Bumming with Bobcat: Bringing you the best of the worst in cheap booze since 2014

Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Lex Express: The Best Of The Gallo Report


It's only Thursday? Well that means it's time for another Throwback Thursday post! In this weeks Throwback Thursday post we are going to take you for another ride on The Lex Express! Today we are going to present you with the "Best Of The Gallo Report", this is not to be confused with Jim Ross and his weekly "Ross Report". So go grab a drink, sit back, relax, buckle up, and enjoy!

The Best of the Gallo Report: 2000-2002

Hello Galloaholics and welcome to the best of the Gallo Report here at the one and only Lex Express. I've dug up many juicy things in the past that I get straight from my sources, so I can give it to you the wrestling fan. I tell you everything good Old JR won't. The best of the Gallo Report will include topics you've never ever heard of before, but sadly the best of edition will not include anything about the killer whale, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had for lunch today, or even former U.S. President Ronald Reagan, but maybe another time. Enough of me saying worthless bullcrap, lets get to it!

A source closest to me has given me information that Vince McMahon has met with none other than Bret The Hitman Hart to give him another shot at being a WWE superstar. The meeting didn't get out of hand at first, in fact Bret Hart was very courteous to Mr. McMahon's office. This was until Vince and Bret were close to signing a deal when Mr. McMahon told Hart his plans for his character. Mr. McMahon wanted Bret Hart to dress up like a big blind homosexual whale and run down the isle blindly at various times. Bret was furious when he heard this and said "You screwed me at the 97' Survivor Series against HBK, you made a mockery of me using a midget, you killed my character, and you killed my brother so now you want me to ruin my image more and dress up like some queer whale" I don't think so McMahon! Bret than spit a goober in Vince's hair for the second time and ruined many thousands of dollars of equipment. I think it is safe to say all talks between Bret and Mr. McMahon is off.
   
The bottom line is there has been some big names at pay per views for refs and enforcers but in this year's Summerslam will exceed anyone we've seen in the past. We've seen such names as Mike Tyson, Chuck Norris, Jesse Ventura and more. This years mystery ref will most likely ref the title fight that will probably end up being a "Bad Gimmicks Only 4 corners match between Doink, Virgil, Repo Man, and Skinner. The special ref in this match at Summerslam will be none other then Arnold Schwarzenegger!

I have found this big-time news story from a source that has told me that Vader has been arrested. Yes, Leon White (Vader) was arrested Monday Night July 1, 2002 on suspicion of spitting and threatening officers with rocks, resisting arrest, drinking and driving, careless driving and leaving the Members of the Colorado State Patrol and Boulder County Sheriff's Office responded at 8:30 p.m. to Court and Whaley Drive regarding a sport utility vehicle that crashed into a bush. The suspect, who suffered a cut on the head, left the scene and drove a block away to his home, witnesses reported.
When contacted by authorities, the 6-foot 4-inch 375-pound White told them he was looking for bullfrogs and catfish in a pond and crashed while driving home, according to an arrest report.
Officers reported White seemed severely intoxicated and had to hold himself up on the door jam. White became belligerent with officers when asked about his level of intoxication and said: "I will and can kick all of your asses! Let's fight ...," according to the arrest report.
Two of the deputies got their dogs out for protection. White stared the animals down and said he would kill them, the report said.
At one point, White picked up two rocks the size of baseballs and clenched them in his fists, Trooper Scott Hinshaw said. He also is alleged to have spit toward the trooper, but missed.
Eventually, officers were able to calm White down and he was handcuffed without incident.

Remember Nailz? Sure you do the former prison that went after the Big Bossman claiming he beat him in his cell the guy who went on to be the infamous prisoner in WCW, one of only two men who ever hit Vince McMahon (not staged of course, other being Bret "Shitman" Fart aka Bret Hart.) You heard this from the Gallo Report first but Nailz a.k.a Kevin Wascholz has started his own wrestling promotion and is planning to compete with the WWF and one of the men he hates Vince McMahon. This new promotion Nailz will start is called F@%# You Vince McMahon and its name says it all. Even though it appeared Nailz was wasted when I sat down with an interview with him he said and I quote "My federation will be better because I'm talented and Vince never gave me my rightful shot I deserved, plus I am planning on hiring such top wrestling talent as Road Dogg(see above topic), Greg Valentine, and maybe even Jake the Snake if he agrees." "These guys are legends," he yelled in my face. "Better then any other the curtainjerkers that McMahon has got that's for sure!" He ended our interview by passing out on the floor after laughing. The FYVM is scheduled to begin September 12, 2001 somewhere in Oklahoma so check local listings for channel and times.

The NWO is finally dead in the world of wrestling. It seems Big Show, X-Pac, HBK, and Kevin Nash (injured) have all gone their separate ways but I think there is going to be a new poison injected in the WWE the (BWO) Blue World Order. The Blue Meanie has been out of the WWE for almost 3 years now, but my guess is by mid-fall he will be back with new recruits.

At a recent WWE house show it was pandemonium as we had 5 different WWE Undisputed Champions in one night. Yes, fans the Undisputed Champion, the Undertaker walked into the show the champion and were set to defend the belt against The Rock. The Undertaker defeated the Rock by himself and as he was ready to leave ringside Vinnie Vegas approached ringside and challenged the Undertaker for the gold. The Undertaker accepted the challenge and the fight was on! Vinnie Vegas got a hold of the Undertaker's tights and got the 1-2-3 and was crowned the new Undisputed Champion! Vinnie Vegas was showing off the gold backstage when the Booty Man was back their and challenge him for the gold and Vegas accepted. It was a great match, but Vegas had the title for no more than 10 minutes when he lost it to the Booty Man. The house show crowd was shocked. All of a sudden Gillberg approached the ring and the crowd went nuts! Gillberg challenged the Booty Man to give him a title shot. They had a match and Gillberg won the title. Not so fast Gillberg, Lex Luger came and beat Gillberg 1-2-3 and he left the show with his hands raised and the gold around his waist where it belonged!

At King of the Ring 99 you may remember in the Main event it was Stone Cold vs. Vince and Shane for rights to be C.E.O. or something like that. Well anyway it was a ladder match and whichever side got the briefcase with the papers inside it won the match. Well if you can remember the McMahon¡¦s won because some idiot pulled the briefcase up with a rope while Austin was going up to grab it. For years people wondered who did it? And why? Well we at the Gallo Report know the man who was behind it was none other then George Costanza from Seinfeld!

One more update for this week, is apparent Jim Ross has taken some shots at this column because he said, and I quote, "John Gallo is a menace to this business, and his column sucks!" I've just got one thing to say to you if you've got something to say to me say it to my face or else keep your trap shut!

Do not let Triple H and the WWE fool you he was not the man that threw Shawn Michaels through the car window on Raw on July 29th. Triple H could have been an accomplice to the act, but he did not act alone there is a higher power Triple H is working for. The real man behind this devastating attack is none other than Shawn Michaels former Rocker partner Marty “What About Me” Jannetty”. If you go back in time you can remember when Shawn Michaels threw Janetty through the Barber Shop window. It is awful funny how Shawn got thrown through a glass window. Coincidence? I think not. Marty will strike at Summerslam and help Triple H beat up HBK at their quote on quote “fight” and will rip Michaels down to his underwear and powerbomb him through a flaming table.

We at the Gallo Report have just learned from our sources that the Main Event at Wrestlemania 18 is going to be Mike Tyson vs., Sylvester Stallone in a two out of three falls match for the WWF title. Now we heard the first fall will be a first in the WWF. The first fall will be a Bite my ear match and the winner will have to actually bite the other mans ear off to win the fall. The second fall in honor of Rocky will be a Philadelphia Cheese steak eating contest, and whoever can eat the most wins the fall. If the match isn¡¦t over by then the third fall will be the Hell in A Cell Match With Don King standing on top of the cage. This whole confrontation started when Tyson accused Stallone of being a girly man and said he wasn't a real fighter and Rocky was really a no good bum. Stallone took offense to Tysons comments and challenged him to the match.

Remember Flash Funk? The Gallo Report sure does! The stupid goofy guy with the big ears and the big boots and the ridiculous dancing gimmick. Well if your wondering where Flash went the Gallo Report has a special report for you. Last week the so called Funk was arrested at a local Chuckie Cheese restaurant. Now what Flash did was just out of line! He went to get "funky" in the ball pit and when the manager told him he's was too old, too big, too fat and that his wrestling gimmick sucked too much for him to be in that ball pit Flash refused to move he ignored the manager and just kept chanting his theme song at the gentleman. The proper authorities had to be brought in and Flash still didn't move. So the cops set in and sprayed Funk with pepper spray and finally got him out of there. The irony of it all was when Flash got back to his feet he began to chant I'm a star and how all the little kids at the restaurant wanted his autograph, and then he tried to slap a 5 year old hand until the kid yelled "hey Flash you suck!" and then he proceeded to stamp on Funk's foot.

Now along the times of the Blue Blazer aka Owen Hart (God Bless His Soul) there was a blue blazer that was a black man that would come out from time in the blazer's outfit. Now for many years WWF fans speculated who it was, they asked was it former M.O.M member Mo, or maybe it was Koko B. Ware? Well Right here the Gallo Report has that answer for you the black Blue Blazer was in fact none other then the J-E-L-L-O man himself BILL COSBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This next story on the Gallo Report will seem rather shocking to you the wrestling fan because the WWE has lied to you to cover up something they didn't want you to know. WWE superstar Lita has allegedly been sidelined from wrestling due to a neck injury where we heard the whole phony story on WWE Confidential last week. Lita is not injured in fact she is suspended from the WWE indefinitely for the next month. The situation was one night backstage Lita couldn't take Paul Heyman's ponytail anymore so she attempted to chop it off. Lita had to be restrained by the likes of the Brooklyn Brawler and Gerald Brisco so that she didn't cut it completely off. This was worse than Bradshaw's attempt to cut off Michael Hayes mullet.

If you go to WWF.com and you see the results to Invasion they falsely tell you that Invasion ended after Shane, Stephanie, Paul Heyman and Stone Cold Steve Austin all chugged beers. I was there last night in Cleveland to witness the event as all the other fans left the arena this new regime was still celebrating in the ring as all of a sudden David Arquette came out of the crowd with a lead pipe and was accompanied to the ring by Mick Foley. Arquette took out every last member until it was just he and Booker T in the middle of the ring, Arquette then nailed Booker with a kick to the head and rammed him with the pipe and Foley counted the 3 and David Arquette won the WCW title!

Now a lot of you WWF fans who have been watching Wrestlemanias for years know that for the last 3 W-manias Pete Rose has been a fixture at the big show. Pete came, saw, and got his ass kicked for three straight years until this year when he obviously wasn't at the Astrodome for Wrestlemania X-seven. I bet you're wondering where the hell Pete was right? Well the Gallo Report has the answer for you, Pete Rose was invited but what happened Pete was actually locked in his bathroom for 47 hours and couldn't get out. Now how do I know this? I'm the man who let him out.


0 comments:

Post a Comment