What Would Lex Do? - Part 1
By John Gallo
I would just like to welcome all of the fans of the Lex Express to a new edition to our website called What Would Lex Do? In this column every week, we will take Lex Luger every week and stick him in an impossible or potentially dangerous situation. Now Luger will have to overcome many obstacles and crush many bad guys to ultimately win his challenges. Everything you read about in these columns is fiction, but if you really thought about Lex in these situations you would probably laugh your ass off. I’m kind of stealing the What Would Lex Do part from the idiot’s Sean and Gordie from the big-time blockbuster movie Ready to Rumble. If you have not seen this masterpiece of a movie, these two have wristbands that have WWKD inscribed in them. Now that they have these wristbands every situation they ran into in life they could just look down and think What Would King Do? Jimmy King was obviously their idol and was the fictional WCW champ in the film. So let’s get on to the business at hand, and here is the first installment of What Would Lex Do?It is a normal summer afternoon for Lex Luger he doesn’t have a match this particular day so he is just cruising around in the Lex Express. Lex is just kicking back with his special pillows with the American flags on them watching old re-runs of Mash on FX on the bus when Lex hears something its like a voice on the bus! Lex quickly throws down his salami and Swiss cheese on whole wheat sandwich and decides to see who’s on the bus with him besides the driver. Lex opens the door to the front where that bum driver should be driving but, it is not him driving! It’s sadistic evil-doer Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper) from the 1994 summer blockbuster Speed. I guess that Payne’s evil plan didn’t work on Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock he was now going to try to sabotage the Lex Express!
“I’ve got you right where I want you,” said Payne. “You know how much money you cost me when you lost that 94 Royal Rumble, I bet all my money on you, you know good worthless bum!” Lex Luger began to panic he didn’t know what this madman had in store for him and the good old bus. “Alright Payne what’s the deal, I mean what do you want with me and my bus”, said Lex. “It’s very simple Lex I’m driving your bus now I have added a bomb to the bottom of this bus, if the speed of the Lex Express ever gets below 50 mph it will blow”, said Payne. Lex Luger looked very distraught, but he knew before he could take care of the bomb he would have to do something. “Hold on Payne, I’ll be right back”, said Luger. Luger ran to the back of the bus again and remembered he left the TV running and Mash was still on so Lex shut it off, and ate the rest of his sandwich and went towards the front of the bus again.
“Ok Payne what do you want from me? I’ll give you anything as long as you don’t harm my bus!” “Too late Luger I don’t want anything but you dead so I’m going to let go of the wheel now!”Lex Luger knew he had to act quickly so he grabbed a hold of the wheel and drove it at 60 mph. “Damn you Luger, when are you going to learn? You’re going to die!” Lex thought how can he drive the bus and battle off the evil Payne at one time. Suddenly Luger heard something climb out of the little luggage racks it was Doink’s pal Dink! Dink had been stuck in the luggage rack for days! “Hey Dink sorry about leaving you in there, but I need you to do me a big favor and drive this bus over 50 mph at all costs!” “Ok, said Dink, Dink took over at the wheel and Luger knew he had to put in end to Howard Payne.
Suddenly Luger charged at Howard Payne and hit him with the running elbow and hit him with the piece of metal from the motorcycle accident. Howard Payne has been knocked out. Lex Luger knew step 1 was completed when he threw Payne out the window and onto the street, but he still needed to defuse the bomb! “Dink, I’m going down take care of the bus for me.” Luger went down below the bus even knowing he could be risking his life, but he would do anything for the Lex Express! Lex got under the bus, and spotted the bomb. Lex than got down close and defused the bomb with his teeth. Lex was a hero and the bus was saved! Lex later found the driver in the back, but he was saved and only had a minor injury.
After all this mayhem Luger had made it to Los Angeles where Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves were shooting a new movie and they saw Lex and congratulated him on his victory. “Wow Lex you handled that bad guy better than us,” said Keanu. Lex Luger than took Sandra Bullock to the back of the Lex Express where they made hot passionate monkey sex.
The End
What Would Lex Do? - Part 2
By John Gallo
In last week’s action packed rookie installment of What Would Lex Do we found our hero battling the evil Howard Payne the villain from Speed. Payne planted a bomb on the Lex Express and Lex had to defuse the bomb or the bus sped over 50 mph Lex and the bus would be toast. Luckily through the help of friend Dink the Clown, Lex overcame the obstacles and saved the Lex Express! What kind of trouble would our hero get into this week God only knows?It was a normal afternoon on the Lex Express when Lex thought to himself that his stomach was growling and needed to stop for a bite to eat. He stopped by a local buffet restaurant to get some lunch when he saw to his surprise there were sad children outside. “What’s the matter kid,” asked Lex? One of the kids came from the disappointed crowd and said, “Some big fat guy is in the buffet line and he’s eating all the food and he won’t let us get any!” Lex now sat there pondering to himself what kind of sadistic freak would do this to poor children? Lex knew he must put in end to this at once! It was time for his “Call to Action” Campaign to really kick in. “Alright kids don’t worry Lex Luger is here to save your buffet!” The kids were overjoyed and smiled at Lex.
Lex than kicked open the door to the restaurant and went in. “Who’s this rotten scum who won’t let the children eat in the buffet line,” asked Luger. “I am”! Out pooped John Tenta, better known as Earthquake, the Shark, Or Avalanche! “What are you going to do about it Narcissist”, asked Tenta? Lex now was thinking John Tenta was a lot bigger than him he didn’t know if he could topple such a big man and save the kid’s buffet. Than all of a sudden Lex had a vision of when he body slammed Yokozuna on July 4th in the body slamming contest and that gave Lex motivation.
Lex than thought Tenta did beat Yokozuna in a Sumo Match and he than had doubts again. Luger knew he must do it for the children though! “Alright Earthquake get away from the buffet and let the children eat some food or you will become a victim to the metal plate in my forearm,” said Lex. “Ha-Ha, you think that stupid metal plate is going to affect the Earthquake!” Lex than thought he was probably right Tenta has was abnormally large it wouldn’t have any affect. Than Lex knew what he had to do, he walked over to the Earthquake and slammed him! The kids all began to cheer for their hero. “That teaches you to mess with these kids Shark,” said Lex.
“I’m sorry Lex it will never happen again, I was just so hungry and I’m so fat that I needed all the food,” said Tenta. John Tenta began to cry, Luger began to feel bad for him so he invited him on the bus. That night Lex Luger and Earthquake stayed up all night in the back of the bus watching The Happy Days Marathon on TV Land.
The End
What Would Lex Do? - Part 3
By John Gallo
When we last left our hero Lex he was saving some poor hungry kids from some mean fat guy who wouldn’t let the kids eat any of the buffets. It took a flashback of the bodyslamming contest when he slammed Yokozuna for Lex to realize what he should do. Lex than gave the guy (who ended up being Earthquake) a slam and saved the day, so the kids wouldn’t have to go hungry!Today starts another day for Lex and probably another impossible situation for Lex to get out of. Lex had a big meeting tonight at 7pm with WWE Owner Vince McMahon because McMahon had a comeback planned for Luger, so Luger knew he had to get the bus promptly at 7pm at Valentino’s Restaurant. Uh-Oh Lex just realized something; he had set up a date with a good looking woman named Jennifer for the same time and the same restaurant! What was Lex going to do now? Could our hero even get out of this jam?
Lex thought, “Humm, well I can’t cancel on Vince, I mean the guy runs the world and I finally have my chance for a comeback, but I can’t cancel on Jennifer either because I haven’t been dating since the early 90’s after I bodyslammed Yokozuna so I don’t know what to do?”
It was now about 6:45 pm and Lex Luger was on his way to Valentino’s restaurant, he had decided he was going to pull stunt where he would meet with both of them at two different tables. He was going to cancel with Jennifer until he remembered the movie Mrs. Doubtfire he was watching did the same exact thing, and he had to switch costumes, Lex didn’t even need to that. He figured if Robin Williams could do it so could he!
Luger arrived at the restaurant and saw Vince McMahon first sitting alone. “Hello Vince how are you doing?” “Lex Luger you have arrived, well sit down will get right down to business,” said McMahon. Luger than thought of Jennifer sitting alone too and wanted to go over there to show her he came, and didn’t stand her up. “Vince can I please take a short bathroom break?” “Well, if you gotta go you gotta go right hahahaha,” said McMahon. Luger went pass the bathroom and to the other side of the restaurant where he saw Jennifer sitting.
“Hi Jennifer it’s me Lex your blind date.” “Hello, Lex I’m your biggest fan,” said Jennifer. “Ok, uh Jennifer I really gotta take a piss!” “Excuse Me!” said Jennifer. “I mean I gotta go to the bathroom I”ll is right back!
Luger than darted back over to Vince’s table to talk about plans for his comeback, “well Lex that must have been some piss? Huh? Vince began to laugh to himself and he asked Lex to sit down so they can discuss the plans for the big Lex Luger comeback. Luger than told Vince McMahon he had to go to the bathroom numerous more times, this infuriated McMahon to the point where he followed him to Jennifer.
“You’re not in the bathroom Lex! Damnit I’m Vince McMahon you don’t lie to me! Who the hell do you think you are? In the middle of McMahon’s lashing out at Luger, suddenly somebody had jumped out of the plant. It was Dean Douglas; he pulled out a shotgun and shot Vince McMahon four times.
Well Vince McMahon was dead now so Lex Luger took over the WWE, and you’re probably wondering about Jennifer well she left Luger for Dean Douglas.
The End