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Monday, January 19, 2015

The Krude Experience - 1/19/15


Greetings y'all. Time for more timeless Krude-ness in your life? If so, grab a chilled beverage (of at least 17.5% abv and 375ml) and let 'ol Krude spin ya a yarn about booze,broads,and the good ole days of 2004. Mucho mahalo.

March 2004.

Thanks to an Internet search I made about the legendary Mojo Nixon (Google him,thank me later),I find out that Mojo is playing his 'Farewell' concerts.They are to be held at the Continental Club in Houston and Austin,Texas. In exactly 9 days.

Holy fuck!

This news hits me like a punch to the dick. Mojo retiring? In 9 days? Damn. In fucking Texas too. I'm from New Jersey. Double damn. And I have to work. 

Sonny is right. Working mans' a sucka. (points for recognizing this movie quote).

Krude WILL NOT ACCEPT DEFEAT IN THIS MATTER. And I don't. Full steam ahead to Texas (by way of NJ). 

Excuses for missing work. Check.

Enough $ to book trip. Check. 

Someone to feed my cat for a few days. Check.

Something missing here....

A wild and very willing female to make this crazed journey with me.

Enter Amy (not her real name,but close). I met her in NYC 7 months prior at a record release party for the band Ween. She was from the South and loved to party.Her musical obsession was Ween. And she had traveled all over the USA to see them perform.She was red haired,pretty and had a body that was built for speed (excess).We got drunk together that night and had a great time. Then promised each other to stay in touch. Promise kept.

I give her a call. "Hey,are you busy next week?". "Well,I'm working. What do you have in mind,my dirty Jersey boy?" "Want to go to Texas to see Mojo Nixon play his final gigs ever?". " Ooh. A rendezvous. I'm in. Let's do it". Hell yeah! 

We worked out all the travel logistics to meet in Houston. From there,we would be together for a 3 day romp in the Lone Star state. Houston then Austin. All in the name of Mojo Nixon. And fornication. Onward and upward. 

Met Amy at the airport in Houston. Big hug.Big kiss (big hard on). Grabbed a rental car and headed to our most lovely motel near the Continental Club. One quick stop at a liquor store and then check in at motel. Once inside the room we toasted Lone Star beers. Then we toasted our genitals to quickie sex. Quick cuz we had to get to the club in less than an hour to catch Mojo's gig.  She pop. He pop. All is well in Texass.

Decision was made to take a cab to the gig. I call for a cab and he arrives about 10 minutes later. We pour our drinks into paper cups (not sure of local open container liquor laws) and jump into the cab. The driver,of middle Eastern descent, notices our cups of beer and states  "Party time,eh?". Amy yells back " We want to go to the ghetto,the worst part of town,for more booze" "Sure. 5th Ward it is. Let me stop for gas first". Our driver finds a 711 nearby and walks inside to pay for the fuel. Or,so we think. He comes back out carrying a bag. He hops in the car,opens the bag,and pulls a couple of cans of Miller Lite. "Party time!" he shouts. Then procedes to hand us a beer each. Then cracks his own beer open and toasts us. We all take a swig of beer and then off we go to the ghetto of Houston. #drinkinganddrivingisillegal

Houston fucking rocks!

Five minutes later,we arrive at the ghetto liquor store. I buy two bottles of MD2020 and run back to the cab. "Let's get the fuck out of here" I say. Nasty neighborhood. And I've been to Camden,NJ.Continental Club,here we come.

We chug the MD (most of it,at least) and stumble out of the cab outside the Continental. Serious buzz brewing by now. I ask the driver for his business card,so he can be the guy who drives us back to the motel later. He seems genuinely happy (drunk) to oblige. I tip him $20.And he speeds away. 

Inside the club,Amy heads to the restroom as I head to the bar. I summon the bartender over,only to recognize him as being part of Mojo's band. Pete 'Wet Dawg' Gordon,ace piano player. I say hello and that I came all the way from NJ to see this gig. Wet Dawg smiles and says that he owns the club and "Welcome to Texas". He then pours some comp Crown Royal shots for us. "Cheers" he says. We all toast. " to Mojo". And fornication.

Houston fucking rocks!

Mojo and his band The Toadliquors played a rocking set to all the long time fans packing the club. After the show,I tried calling our most excellent cab driver for a pick up. No dice. He had an airport run to do. Shit. Really wanted to drink some more with that crazy fucker. Anyways,I called for a different cab and ended up back at the motel. Drank some more. Fucked some more. Passed out. Happy. 

What a fucking day.

 Tomorrow will be a recovery day. Find some soul food,sex shops and mimosas in the heart of Houston. Prepare for the next morning's car trip to Austin for Mojo's final gig ever.

Taking a cue from our drunken Houston cabbie,me and sexy Amy decide to make the 3 hour drive to Austin a fun one. We buy 20oz Sprite bottles,empty 3/4 of the liquid,and refresh the bottles (to the top)with Tanqueray. 

A very ghetto,alky,wino thing to do.

While driving a strange highway in Texas with a rent a car that has Alabama plates on it.
Jersey Krude and Southern Amy hit the road.Buzzed. Always remembering: It's only illegal if you get caught.  Lucky I have family in Oklahoma to bail us out,just in case.

We listened to the Moistboyz the whole way to Austin. Perfect hard rock music when one is in a felonious mood. In retrospect, I wish she had given me a hand job or something during that ride. Oh well...

Made it to Austin in one piece by about 2pm. Checked into another shithole motel. Found a liquor store close by. Again,went for the ice cold Lone Star beer. Mojo's final gig set time was 5pm (?!??!?). Not sure why so early. So we decided to make the motel room as dark as possible,chug a Lone Star,remove all our clothes,and do what comes naturally (when naked). 

SURPRISE!!!!!

Motel door suddenly swings wide open. I have Amy from behind on the bed. Super bright daylight enters the room,along with the motel manager. "Oh. Very sorry. Didn't know this room was taken". He had used his master key to get in. And I forgot to chain the door. He sees us having sex and stares for at least 3 seconds before leaving. I laughed so hard that my dick went soft. I don't pop. She don't pop. But what a laugh.

Shit. Mojo is coming on soon. We get straight enough to freshen up and head over to the Continental Club in Austin.

Packed house. Kinda sad knowing Mojo ain't gonna be playing gigs after this one. Show ends. Bummer.
Me and the skirt make our way to the outside back of the club. 

Out comes Mojo. And he's drunk. Yes!

He walks near me and talks with a few people. When he turns my direction,I walk towards him. "Hey. I'm a big fan and came all the way from NJ to see you". "Cool. What part of NJ?". He asks. "Lodi". I say. "Like the Creedence Clearwater Revival tune?". I laugh. "No. We're known for two things :The Misfits band and the Bada Bing from the Sopranos". "I love the Sopranos. Thanks for coming". We shake hands. Amy takes our picture. 



There is peace is my soul now. 

Playing hooky from work was beyond worth it this particular week.

More stories involving Amy and our travel exploits forthcoming. Always Krude. 

For your enjoyment. 

Mahalo

Follow on Twitter @kapn_krude

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