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Monday, September 5, 2016

The Krude Experience - 9/5/16


NFL 2016 Preview 

Greetings all NFL fans. Kapn Krude is here this week to give you his lowdown on the upcoming 2016 NFL season. Team by awful team analysis. Disney owned, I ain't. Open wide...


Arizona Cardinals
Something (always) bound to go wrong for the Bidwell Birds. Those other NFC West fowls will have their red assed number this season. That'll give Palmer extra time to count his million$ during the off season.

Atlanta Falcons
This team will break your gambling heart. Where's the Grits Blitz when you need it. Julio and Matty Ice can't do it by themselves. Artie Blank best go back to selling pipe dope and butt gauges.  

Baltimore Ravens
Beating the Steelers twice in a season doesn't mean you're a quality team. Just well coached. John Harbaugh needs his Ray Ray back. And Cleveland needs it's team back.  

Buffalo Bills
Twin Ryan brothers coaching this mess. Double the heartache for Bills fans. Won't be boring though. That's an obvious guarantee.

Carolina Panthers
Cam,Luke,and Riverboat Ron got punked by Donkey Defense in SB50. Revenge will be sweet on 9/8/16 in Denver. SB51 favorites in my book.

Chicago Bears
Like a perfect $1000 whore who swallows,Jay Cutler will tease ChiTown fans with his skills. But still lose. Soldier Field is still the funkiest stadium reno I've ever seen.

Cincinnati Bengals
Marvin Lewis is 0-7 in playoff appearances with the Bungles. And his job is safe,according to ESPN. Hopefully, Red Dalton doesn't sprain his pussy this season.

Cleveland Browns
My sleeper pick to cover the spread the most this year. Hue Jackson,RG3,and Junkie Josh G will make for an exciting underdog storyline this season. Dawgs will be barking.

Dallas Cowboys
America's Team. Cowboys fans are the best to drink with at a bar. Their team makes them get so shitfaced that they end up buying multiple rounds for complete strangers. The new Jerry's Kids. That nobody wants to lay $ on.

Denver Broncos
Reigning Super Bowl champions. Decided to start a rookie QB this season to defend their title.Apparently, Elway's nuts are as big as his teeth.

Detroit Lions
Any excuse to use the name Jim Bob Cooter is fine by me. Any excuse to ignore this abysmal franchise is fine by me.

Green Bay Packers
Aaron Rodgers will make watching the NFC Playoffs fun. Dom Capers will make watching the Packers defense a chore. No title in Titletown this season.

Houston Texans
My name is Enzo Amore,and I'm a certified G. And you can't teach that. And his name is Brock Osweiler. And he's 7 feet tall. And you can't teach that. And you can't teach this team how to win.

Indianapolis Colts
The Colts are a team of smoke and mirrors. Not sure how they win games. But they do. Luck is a gutty QB. Too bad he throws slightly better than Tim Tebow.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Lynyrd Skynyrd is from Jacksonville. Maybe if somebody on the Jaguars had the last name Van Zandt,I would give a shit. Lose this Gus coach and hire Mark Brunell as head coach. He needs the money. Badly.  

Kansas City Chiefs
This team is the Philly Eagles 2004 redux squad.Andy Reid couldn't win the big one with a pukey McNabb at QB. He won't win a big one with Alex Smith as his QB either.  

Los Angeles Rams
El Lay is back on the NFL radar. Jeff Fisher is the captain steering the Rams (sinking) ship. I guess Jim Everett is the QB. Does anybody really care about this team? Besides HBO?

Miami Dolphins
New head coach. Same awful QB. And no playmakers on either side of the ball. Say hello to the first pick of the 2017 NFL Draft.

Minnesota Vikings
Teddy > Sam. AP knows that. But won't admit to it (Oklahoma alumni). Playoffs if ALL goes well. Does it ever in the NFL?

New England Patriots
Cheaters DO win. A lot. Still the team to beat in the AFC East. Brady will still throw for 4300 yards and scramble for -14 yards. Over/Under for the amount of times Belichick smacks his lips during press conference after a loss: 67.5. Take the over.

New Orleans Saints
The Brees/Payton axis of offensive success for the past 79 years is still in full effect. The Saints just need another injury bounty friendly defensive coach to guide them back to the Lombardi Trophy.  

New York Giants
Big Blue will be singing a big blue song all season long. Calls for Coach Coughlin to come back will be heard in Snoopy Stadium by midseason.

New York Jets
It's common knowledge that Ryan Fitzpatrick only plays well during contract seasons. Pay him,and he turns into Mark Sanchez,for lack of a better comparison. Geno Smith is waiting in the wings for his chance. Ouch.

Oakland Raiders
My beloved Raiders. It's been a LOOONNGG time since the Silver and Black have had a winning season. This year,9-7 seems about right. AC-DC = :)

Philadelphia Eagles
Reboot time in Lurie Land. This team can either contend for the NFC East crown or battle the Dolphins for the NFL toilet. Purging the Chip Kelly stains won't be an easy task.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Oh how the powers that be at NFL Headquarters love them some Steelers. Always an easy schedule and a blind eye to any illegal (game or life related) activity. Best offense in NFL though. Tomlin should get his thyroid checked (bulging eyes).

San Diego Chargers
Philip Rivers, please call Dan Marino. Ask him why he never won a Super Bowl.

San Francisco 49ers
Chip Kelly in SF. Where he always wanted to be wink,wink.  Levi's will wish they never paid to advertise their logo at that stadium when Blaine Gabbert takes the field every other Sunday.

Seattle Seahawks
The real Dirty Birds. This team will be great for the next 5 years. Then Jerry Jones will offer Russell Wilson a 49% stake in his own stake in the Cowboys to play in Texas.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I have an long standing ongoing deal with an old friend of mine: We will both go to a Super Bowl if the two teams playing are the Colts and the Buccaneers. Looks like that $5k stays in my bank account a while longer.

Tennessee Titans
It's been an eternity since the Music City Miracle (forward pass,btw). The Titans are the most benign team in the NFL. Their record this season will redefine 'benign'. Mariotta needs to channel some Steve McNair toughness.

Washington Redskins
Redskins,by name,for now. Danny Snyder owning (and ruining) this team for now and forever until he croaks. A Gruden as coach. Maybe a minor playoff run here.

So there you go. I'm going to exactly one game this year: Raiders vs Ravens on 10/2 in Baltimore. I've already sunk $300 towards tickets and parking. Probably another $300 on travel, food, program, booze. Just doing my part to keep those players and owners super wealthy. 

Mahalo.

Holding steady at 12.5 psi
KK

@kapn_krude  

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