Magical Misery Tour
The Magical Misery Tour is NOT coming to take Krude
away. I don't align myself with psychedelic drugs and trippy music to keep
my MO cruising at perennial auto pilot. Leave that to the Cheatles, I mean The
Beatles. Deliberate hippies with padded bank accounts really were the enemy
in the 1960s. Tell that to older family members at holiday time. Be the
asshole. Truth hurts
Somehow for the past 16 years I have made a living in the kitchen and bath design and renovation business. It's a foul job for charming degenerates and wannabe architects. The pay is ok. But the perks are where its at. Here are a few stories from my very storied career as a Kitchen Reno Dude:
Had a client from Manhattan who was married with no children.
He was about 10 years older than me. His kitchen reno cost around $75k. That's
no chump change for a small galley kitchen. I ended up managing his reno and
seeing him practically every day for 6 weeks. During those 6 weeks, I found out
what he did for a living to afford crazy NYC prices: he sold sex toys online.
When I told him I had a girlfriend, he gave me a bag of 'female friendly' toys.
Vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, etc... He asked me to give the toys to my chick
and get her feedback on them. I did. She was happy. For me, he bought me
tickets to a Buddy Guy concert for all of my efforts in completing his reno.
Cool guy.
A widowed woman in her late 30s was a reno client of mine
about 10 years ago. Attractive and lushy would describe her perfectly. I designed
her kitchen and two bathrooms to the tune of about $90k. She was always home
when my crew was doing work, which is kind of rare. Most people don’t want to
live in a construction zone for a month. What I found out about the woman was
that in the mornings when the crew would arrive to work, she would greet them wearing
a short robe. And nothing else under it. My crew was the first to alert me to this
when she bent over to pick something up off of the floor. The guys saw the sun
and the moon. So, of course, Krüde had to see this for himself. Only problem
was, she caught me looking. I blushed and excused myself. She smiled and asked
me to sit with her and have coffee. Hmmmm…. Moral to the story: never have
relations with a client until 75% of the job costing $ has been collected.
I have designed kitchen and baths for practically every person in my inner private life. Including my doctor, dry cleaner and pizza guy among others. I don’t charge them for design service or any vig on materials. In return, I receive royal treatment from them when I need them i.e free shit. One hand washes the other. The way it should always be
The magical misery tour only describes the days when I feel like throwing in the towel and becoming a bartender or something else. The reno biz is a mindfucker with tons of skunks running amuck. Way too many sleazebags and thieves to count. But when a client tips me cash or praises my work… I stay put. And then I’m back at jobsites expecting the unexpected. The way it should be. Mahalo
Viva butt doors!!!
KK
@kapn_krude