Krüde 2024 NFL Season Preview
Like metronomic clockwork, the NFL comes back to regular season life every late summer. It always kicks our collective culos and makes us submit to its bone crushing lure. Nothing beats 22 men (all dressed in form fitting pants) smacking the living heck out of each other. After all, they are highly paid professionals. With fat Tuesday paychecks coming to their piggy banks. So strap on a proper feedbag, have a restroom nearby and enjoy the manly entertainment. Preferably with an alcoholic beverage… of course. Now onto the Krüde take on all 32 NFL teams for year 2024!
Arizona Cardinals-
little Kyler still at the helm. Wonder when he requests a trade. Or
cheats death on a sack
Atlanta Falcons- Another reboot in ATL. Perennial stat
machine QB Cousins is the latest experiment in hot ‘Lanta. Yawn….
Baltimore Ravens- Hmmm… Ravens have been winning the
Lombardi trophy every 12 years. Does Lamar finally figure out how to win a
playoff game or 3?
Buffalo Bills- Josh Allen ended up being the best QB
of the 2018 draft class. Yet has nothing to show for it. Tough division foes
and crappy ownership ultimately sink this boat
Carolina Panthers- Yes. There is a football team in
North Carolina. No. They’re not very good
Chicago Bears- Diva Man Williams is the Bears newest ‘hope’.
Can a #1 pick make a bad offense great by week 6. We will be watching. Barely
Cincinnati Bengals- Burrows is the Bengals. That team
sinks or swims with his presence. Brown family always find a way to mess up a
good thing
Cleveland Browns- Brownies getting a new stadium
soon. Good for them. Maybe the new digs will rid the stench of failure from
this team
Dallas Cowboys- same old Cowboys. Drama from Jerry.
Drama from Dak. Cee Dee made his money. McCarthy on thin ice. A wild ride for
certain this season
Denver Broncos- Payton isn’t in the Big Easy anymore.
Too much thin air in Denver clouding his brain. His QB is named Nix…..
Detroit Lions- Sexy pick for Super Bowl berth. Or
cool swag to wear this season. Either way, Detroit is now a winning team. Who
would’ve thunk it 5 years ago?
Green Bay Packers - Love made bank. Not sure why. Packers compete.
But fall way short. Lambeau still a cool football field
Houston Texans- Stroud is a religious man. Better
pray for no sophomore slump
Indianapolis Colts- Colts got their QB. Isray got
lucky. Again.
Jacksonville Jaguars- Jags will sag. Lawrence can
only do so much. London Calling!
Kansas City Chiefs- Goodell loves his Mahomes toy.
Chiefs get breaks from all angles. And have Taylor Swift there to pay for
pricey Super Bowl luxury boxes
Las Vegas Raiders- Raiders will finally field a top
level defense. Gardner Minshew is the QB 1. Entertaining mediocrity
Los Angeles Chargers- Uncle Jim back in the NFL.
Gonna wish he was back in Ann Arbor by week 10
Los Angeles Rams- The other L.A. team that nobody outside of the
Western time zone cares about
Miami Dolphins- HC looks like a greasy coke dealer
from Reno. Tua and Hill have a thing going. Should be fun to watch these Fish swim
Minnesota Vikings- Zygi Wilf paid a good chunk of
dough for this team. And nothing ever makes it past ‘kinda’ good. Time to sell,
Zygi…
New England Patriots- Belicheat gone. Mayo being
spread thick. Could be worst team in league. Kraft will cry. And cry. All the
way to the bank
New Orleans Saints- Dennis Allen will be lucky to
make it to week 8. Derek Carr is still gun shy. No reason to hate on these
players. Not their fault owner and coaching sucks
New York Giants- Most perplexing team on paper. Good
HC. Poor QB. Good defense will help with some wins. No playoffs though
New York Jets- People really think Jets will make a
run at the Super Bowl this season. Very plausible. Hold on a second…..
Pittsburgh Steelers- Watt’s team now. Defense almost
Curtain worthy. Offense not so much. Russ is rusty
Philadelphia Eagles- The Kelce not having sex with
Swift retired. Team is sagging anyway. Gamblers will chase off these birds
San Francisco 49ers- Purdy is the key. All the pieces
are there for a ring. Does Goodell let Niners get ring #6?
Seattle Seahawks- Pete’s gone. So is the fun in
Emerald City. Legion Of Boom seems ages ago
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- This is Mayfield’s team now.
Expect the same Baker bs but less wins
Tennessee Titans- Titans getting new stadium soon. Nashville
won’t be singing pretty noise this season
Washington Commanders- So the Redskins name ain’t
coming back. Bummer. I’m 1/6th Cherokee. And I’m not offended by the
name. Just offended by the team on the field
Krüde has spoken. Now get to work stockpiling as much booze, salty
snacks and pain pills that you can. Current NFL products demands this sordid
style of therapy. Mahalo
Cheers!
KK
@kapn_krude