In yet another journey through hell, our good friends at Aiko Importers have decided to... well, import another banger from our friends at Rinkuskiai in sunny Lithuania. Hell on High is a quad bock that clocks in at a tongue-pickling 14% alcohol by volume, and is also two bocks too many on the bock-o-meter.
Over the course of this cycle of reviews (which can only be described as harrowing), I've used a very standard set of criteria to examine these beverages-- Pour, Mouthfeel, Taste, Finish, and Did I Hallucinate During Or After. But Hell on High has lead to a scientific breakthrough in the beer-reviewing realm, of which will change the very nature of tastings forever! Behold, the newest category, and the only one I'll be using for this beverage:
Does This Beer Taste Like a Fish: Yes. Yes it does. And not like a well-seasoned and perfectly cooked flank of swordfish or something, either-- this is like one of those carp that are washed up on the shore of a polluted lake after an especially unsettling summer, with just the body rotted out and insects living in it. I can't help but wonder if the brewmaster for Rinkuskiai was walking by Lake George in Hobart, Indiana on vacation a few years back, and happened to catch a whiff of one of these corpses trapped halfway between this world and the next, and said (possibly aloud) 'THIS needs to be a quad bock like YESTERDAY, yo'.
If that doesn't make you want to buy this immediately, this certainly will: floaties abound in this. Now, I understand how natural fermentation works, and a bit of sediment and such is normal. These were not normal bits of sediment. These were as big as-- wait for it-- FISH SCALES. IN A BEER THAT ALREADY TASTES LIKE A GODDAMN FISH. Were I not as dedicated to providing you, dear reader, with the information you need to make informed purchases, I would have dumped this in an empty field somewhere so sewer water didn't somehow make these scale-like entities mutate into hyper-violent fish-men who then crawl out of the sewer and fish for people to filet and eat.
I've probably had worse for 4.50 a pint in my days, but I can't recall it. This makes Fuggin' Awesome seem like divine ambrosia. Hell, piss may be more palatable. But, yknow, if you're in a pinch then the price is right, I suppose.
Staff Writer- Last Rites
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