Keeping it Classy with Vanity - 4/8/15

So I have this really bad habit of wandering away from my squad when I’m having a good drunken night.  At a certain point during college it was so bad my friends started writing instructions on the back of my hand with a sharpie while we were pregaming; something like: “please return to [address or hotel].”  To make matters more complicated, I’m also really good at losing or breaking my cell phone when I’m hammered.  I don’t know how you would define “lush” but maybe this shit show fits the description.

The drunken wandering tendency formed my freshman year in college when I was at a small liberal arts school drinking a severe amount of Popov and Natty Ice.   Typical one-night-stand walk of shame stories.  Girl puts on makeup and tries on ten different outfits while shooting shitting vodka in the dorm room.  Girl goes to shitty frat house with friends.  Boy meets girl.  Boy and girl drink more.   Girl cannot find friends anywhere, friends cannot find girl, girl doesn’t care and drinks more.  Boy brings girl to dorm room to have drunken sex in twin size bed.  Boy and Girl pass out.  Girl wakes up.  Girl has no idea how the bus system works and reeks like a barroom towel and has Western Civ in an hour.

As I grew into my mid twenties, the wandering became a little more extreme, yet somehow more acceptable.  I’ve heard stories of people ending up halfway across the country during a good boozing.   That never happened to me.  But I definitely went AWOL in a good number of US cities, and some foreign ones as well.  When I get separated from my girls, there is no one to keep me in line.  Which brings me to how I met my ex ex ex ex boyfriend.

I’ll spare you the details on that story.   Just know it involved vodka whipped cream, cans of Corona, and a giant hot tub.  I ended up destroying an expensive pair of satin heels, my cell phone, and all I remember is making out with a bartender and jumping on a hotel bed screaming “fuck me.” It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship based on love, trust, and mutual respect.  

So my friends, drinking your delicious poison of choice at home often yields good results because you are not too far away from your own bed.  If you prefer to be out and about brown bagging it or in the bars, like me, be safe and have a babysitter or have luck on your side.  And go fuck someone special.

Post a Comment