Monday Night Raw In Review (Supersized with Ratings).
By Dennis DuBay
Hits: Sasha vs. Nikki, Fun House, Sami Zayn’s laughing outside the ring, The Fiend
Misses: The Continued Burial of EC3, “Mother Lover”, Non Sell on Moons amazing Stunner
Total Match Points: 17.8 AVG Match Rating: 2.54
Show opened with Seth doing Seth things. Talking Seth things. I got concerned for the writers,
it's way too early to be bringing out The Fiend. Twitter folk would be pissed off and someone
would hurt a wrestling journalists feelings with mean comments about a post. While Seth was
saying Seth things, Braun Strowman thought he was talking about him, so he came out instead
of The Fiend. Dodged a bullet. Seth and Braun later for the belt. I think.
I won’t mention that Seth flubbed a line, calling Hell In A Cell Clash of the ..before stopping
himself. Roman Reigns does that and the world implodes.
Match One: The O.C. v. The Viking Raiders
This is a NJPW dream match turned into a WWE Monday Night Raw opener. But that’s better
than nothing. A really solid match between the big dudes. I’m not in love with Gallows paint - but
I suppose Ronda Rousey’s make up artist had to find someone to work with.
Cedric Alexander attacks AJ Styles .. and we cut to a commercial. The Purge ... season two.
Does anyone else think it’s a bad idea to be doing a Purge series? Maybe it’s just me.
Apparently OC have new music. I didn’t notice that. But twitter is there for the info.
Apparently OC have new music. I didn’t notice that. But twitter is there for the info.
Oh, match is still going. I forgot what I was watching before the deluge of commercials. Gallows
still has the upperhand. It’s gotta be the paint. Why doesn’t Anderson have paint? They aren’t
as close as Hawk & Animal, Ax & Smash or Warlord and Barbarian. Sad to see.
Not going to lie … really good opener we got here.
Viking Raiders with a surprise victory, if you ask me. (Match Time: 10:44, Rating: 3.2/5)
Coming up next, an interview with Becky Ly…. wait, Charlie is interviewing Bobby Roode. He’s
got a nice beard, but his skin is unnaturally red. We’re reminded another Firefly FunHouse is
airing tonight. Like any of us have forgotten. It’s the only reason we’re here, bro.
Micheal Cole interviews Becky Lynch
Becky is doing Becky things. Owning the mic and making a lot of sense. I’m not going to lie
here. I’m a big Becky Lynch fan. So she could just called Cole a Dope for fifteen minutes and
I’m going to be golden. NOTE TO WWE: Stop showing the crowd during interviews. It’s not a
good view.
Solid interview. Getting over the idea that shit is real personal between Lynch and Banks.
RUSEV v. EC3
EC3 didn’t even get a tv entrance. Officially a jobber. I’m not a fan of short haired Rusev. But
there’s no denying he’s still over and still a beast. I just want to know what EC3 did to Vince
McMahon. Did he sneeze in an elevator with Vince, or turn down a hunk of meat? This was a
straight squash.
Rusev with the win, via tapout. (Match Time: 1:41, Rating: DUD)
Rey Mysterio interview. Mysterio with a sentimental look back at his past few weeks, gets to
face Seth for the belt next week. Gets weepy dedicating next match to his son.
Sasha Banks and Bayley coming to the ring.
Sasha Banks v. Nikki Cross
Shouldn’t they be holding this match off till a ppv or something? I don’t know. Just seems like,
with so few dream matches left, we should keep some wrestlers away from each other. Now, if it
were a tag, that’d be something different.
Cross straight taking it to Banks. Could we get an upset? Would it be an upset? I mean, Banks
has been gone for how long … while Cross has been learning from a multiple time champion.
Banks slowing the match down, standing outside the ring letting the ref count … just the tactic to
outsmart Cross. But Cross regains control of the match quickly.
Outside the ring again, Cross on Banks back, Banks falls backward onto the ring entrance,
squashing Cross in doing so. And a commercial. This Abominable looks pretty good. I’m
allowed to say that. I’m the father of a two and five year old. So, ladies,if you’re into Dad’s …
Sorry, I'm reminded of the bWb memo of last week. I apologize.
Commercial is over and Banks now controls the match. At what age do you think Banks will be
when she completely loses all her hair from the constant dying?
Now both women are trading blows, with the match controlled by neither. Both women look
blown up. A crazy leap from Cross off the apron onto Banks .. high on Banks, looked brutal.
Bayley is fighting herself to not interfere, it looked like. Cross with a near pin.
Oh no, Bayley is caught in the apron again. WWE needs to look into this apron deal. Cross went
for a tornado DDT, but Banks got loose. Bayley now interfering, but Alexa comes to Cross’s aid.
Cross hulking up. Going up top. Cross body reversed, Banks taps out Cross and then attacking
Bliss.
Pretty good match, to be honest. (Match Time: 15:36 , Rating: 3.5/5)
OC and Styles keep calling each other Mother Lover and I am totally lost. This pairing should be
a lot cooler than it is.
Commercial.
The backstage stuff is so horrible I’m not typing anything else up about it, until it entertains me.
Because I have a duty to entertain you. So you are welcome.
Oh, now they are showing us clips from SmackDown Live where Lesnar basically told Kofi that
he was back and he’s going to take his belt. At least you always know where you stand with
Lesnar. Till he drops you. Up next, Raw’s ratings spike with a new installment of FireFly .. Wait,
nevermind, ….
Lacey Evans v. … wait, commercial. Who the fuck directs this show.
Okay, let's try again.
Lacey Evans v. Ember Moon
Isn’t Moon a SmackDown talent? Have I ever mentioned that I would marry Ember Moon in a
heartbeat? I think Moon should be teamed with The Fiend somehow. Also, not a huge fan of
Evans. So if Moon could end this fast, extra points. Maybe they could give Lacey and Natayla
their own show, on a station I don’t receive.
Wait - this is the second women’s match in a row. When was the last time that happened?
Evans dominating Moon right now, and I am not about this.
Moon almost decapitates Evans with a stunner off the apron, and she kicks out. This is what is
hurting WWE matches. There is no logical fucking way Evan’s kicks out of that type of move. It’s
insulting to the fan. And then Evans taps Moon out?
Garbage.
Ruined an otherwise decent match. (Match Time: 5:32 , Rating: 2.4)
Fun House time!
Lots of weird noises - i think the pig farted or something. Oddly enough, i like the pig fart more
than the “Mother Lover” thing. A very touching episode of FunHouse … a real eye opener on
bullying and neglect and abandonment. Very touching, till that rabbit thing started talking about
hurt Set Rollins. But Wyatt says The Fiend just doesn’t like to share Seth Rollins. Then he tears
a doll of Rollins in half. That’s some macabre shit right there. Oh, wait. The Fiend is coming out
now. Nope.
See you in hell!
Speaking of hell, the 24/7 title has made its appearance. I cannot stand the 24/7 title. It’s
comedy wrestling at its worst. I do appreciate Carmella though. I miss the black hair though. Is
Carm breaking up with Truth?
The greatest swerve in the history of our sport has occurred. So now the 24/7 title is a women’s
title?
King Corbin is here and i’m puking.
Corbin v. Chad Gable
Should be a solid match. Gable is a helluva hand, as Jim Ross would tell you. And as much as I
dislike the dude, Corbin is above average in-ring. I’m not going to lie - I blacked out for the first
like six or seven minutes of this match. I was just sitting staring at the computer screen listening
but nothing was registering within me. This is what Corbin does to me, as a fan. I have
absolutely no fucking interest in him. I only came to when a Taco Bell commercial aired. And I
don’t even like Taco Bell.
We’re back from commercial and Corbin is in control and I fear another black out may occur at
any moment. His tattoos are even horrible. Gable fighting back. But Corbin basically puts the
turnbuckle through Gables chest. Only gets a two count from it. He bickers with the ref. “Come
on, that was three”, “You only got two”. Gable making a comeback. Renee tells the world Gable
needs to capitalize on these moments. Gable is two feet shorter than Corbin, Corbin throws an
8 foot clothes line over Gables head. Fierce striker.
Corbin is letting the fans get into his head as they chant “asshole,” i think. Or maybe “Take my
order,” ...Gable is currently wishing he were EC3 and this match was over. I’m not really sure
what the somersault kicky thing Gable is doing is called, but it’s not effective in anyway.
Blacked out again. Corbin DQ’s himself using one of his King Gimmicks.
An okay match, i guess. Went on to long if you asked me. (Match Time: 14:52 , Rating: 2.1/5)
AOP attacking innocent people. They proved their badassness through a ten second clip.
OKAY.
Rey Misterio v. Ricochet v. Robert Roode v. AJ Styles v. Shinsuke Nakamura
Well, on paper, this match is LIT. That’s what the kids call it right? In a perfect world, any one of
these five men could easily be world champion (or have been world champion, in a few cases),
Roode starting on the outside, because HEEL. Rey and Chet hooking up fast, gotta be a dream
match for Ricochet, i’d imagine. It’s going to be impossible to really capture in words this match,
but bodies are flying all over the place so this is a logical place to have a fucking commercial.
We’re back and Nakamura with Styles and Rood and Misterio are dancing in the ring. Can’t
stand Rey’s mask. He just did that slide out the ring thing that’s pretty badass looking but Styles
takes advantage of Rey being down. Roode blasting Ricochet with some fists. Styles and
Roode argue for a minute then team up, i guess. Still barking at each other.
So much for the union, Roode attempts to punch Styles. Missed. Pele kick happens. Styles and
Ricochet ..oops, Shinsuke pulls Styles out while Sami Zayn is laughing like a maniac. Highlight
reel shit.
Ricochet and Misterio in ring again. “This is the dream match you were looking forward too, “
says Renee, who apparently missed the BEGINNING of the match. Recoil on Roode, but
Nakamura out of nowhere, eliminating Ricochet.
Nakamura is looking amazing tonight. He’s controlling this match right now. A great combination
of moves between Shinsuke and AJ, with Nakamura almost pinning Styles. He’s feeling it but
Styles sides steps almost Styles Clashing Shinsuke, Misterio in now on the attack of Nakamura,
hitting a 619, but Styles nails Rey on the apron, hard. Rood next on Styles hit list, but moves out
of the way, with Nakamura getting hit instead, and eliminated.
Roode then surprises Styles and eliminates him! It’s just Roode and Misterio left - Is
Heyman a Roode dude? Trademarked it, so don’t try. Misterio with a 619 on Roode and then a
splash, Misterio wins! Great match. (Match Time: 20:21 , Rating: 4.3/5)
Main Event Time: (Universal Champion) Seth Rollins v. Braun Strowman - NonTitle Match
Didn’t realize this was a non title match. Shouldn’t have run my mouth about Braun taking the
belt tonight. Now I look like Brad Cumhard ..er … ah. Hmm. Susie from HR is definitely going to
be contacting me tomorrow morning.
I’m spent from that five-way. This match is just a fifteen minute filler to get The Fiend out here at
the end. Just a typical Rollins/Strowman match. Rollins kills Braun, but Braun keeps coming
back for more. I’m predicting 192 curbstomps.
Rollins tongue tied moments moved to his feet as he stumbled on his way to leaping out of the
ring. Braun runs around the ring like an idiot. Nonsensical move. 10:58, where the fuck is The
Fiend? END THIS.
HERE HE COMES!!!!
(Match Time: , Rating: 2.3)
Black out … He’s attacking Braun. Mandible claw. HE DOES NOT SHARE HIS TOYS!!!!! Now
he’s looking at Seth. Rollins is shitting his self. Screaming. Fiend is going back for more
Strowman, who charged at The Fiend. Bad idea jeans, mother fucker. Fiend is laughing Or
coming. I’m not sure which. Maybe both.
Holy Shit chants in the crowd. Rollins just retired in his mind.
FADE OUT. Laughter.
Listen to "Bumming with Bobcat" on Spreaker.