Monday Night Raw Review & Ratings
By Dennis DuBay
The Hits: Opening was fire, Firefly Funhouse, per usual. The ending. But i don't know why.
The Misses: MizTv, Larping
Total Match Points: 13.8 | AVG Match Rating: 2.3
A brand new opening for the show - not as cool as the leaked AEW opening but it’s still pretty fucking cool. I REALLY dig the new logo, too.
PYRO!!!
Other than that, the set doesn’t look all that different … wait, who are these announcers, Terramce Trent D’arby, Jerry Lawler and Vic Joseph???
619 Time baby. Rey Rey walking to the ring. I heard he’s been doing stem cell transplants or something?
The TitanTron 2.0 is pretty rad, too, btw ...MIZ TV with Hogan and Flair tonight. You want to turn The Fiend into a god, have him attack Hogan. They show Rey’s son in the crowd. Rey is gonna speak, it’s not a match.
Promos his match against Seth Rollins tonight - Tell’s Dominic, with all of us awkwardly watching, says it’s for ….
OH SHIT.
THE BEAST INCARNATE is HERE. New Raw is Fire baby. Anything can happen!! Or, maybe I’m speaking ahead of myself here. Calm down Dennis. Lawler wishing Rey would just leave - Lesnar grabs the mic from Rey, gives it to Paul, Rey takes it from Paul … LESNAR KILLS MYSTERIO. I mean … what did you expect to happen, Rey Rey. Dominic feeling badly now that this is his fault. Two F-5’s for Rey Rey. Ut oh. I have a bad feeling Brock is gonna go after the son. Dominic, RUN.
Yup, he’s staring at him.
Somewhere, Jim Ross is yelling “God Damn It, Brock, He’s only a kid.” Wait . No … I yelled that at my tv.Fake or not, Dominic is probably pissing himself right now. He sits down on a soiled pair of unders. Brock pulls him up and over the barrier anyways. Slams him into the ring post … yikes. I SAID YIKES. Throws him into the ring now. Rey can only look on in horror as Lesnar suplex’s Dominic. Rey attempts to save his boy - pointless.
INSIDE REY'S MIND: “I’ve abandoned my boy …. I’ve abandoned my boy” … Lesnar exits ring but then turns back around to kill the already dead Rey and Dominic again. WWE officials are now in the ring trying to put the two back together, Brock isn’t sure if he’s done yet. Paul is pleading him to leave .. I think.
He’s not done. Kicking officials out of the way and tossing Rey out of the ring, and now he’s tossed Dominic out of the ring too. Moody Brock is moody. Now he’s getting angry inside the ring. He seems to be remorseful ..like he blacked out or something. I hope he wasn’t drinking from the Uso’s jug. He then rips his shirt off like Hulk Hogan.
Commercial. Hot opening.
Sasha Banks v. Alexa Bliss
I’ve really become a fan of Bliss outside of the ring lately. She just seems like a genuinely nice person. So the fact that she’s the best women’s heel makes it that much more impressive. Becky Lynch comes out, because god forbid we have a match without her coming out. I mean, I love her, but … can we get away from the narrative that there’s only four women of importance in this company?
Banks takes control of the match early, but Bliss turns it around on her quickly. So far a back and forth match. I love Becks accent so much. Lynch is standing on the announcers table now showing Sasha the belt. She knows what it looks like, I'm sure. Batista commercial in the middle of the fucking match? A ton of people popped thinking he was coming back. It was a commercial for Gears? What the fuck is that?
Banks is laying the smack down on Bliss. Are you allowed to say that during Raw? This would be a good time to tell you that I’m in love with Kris Statlander. Only to see if you are all paying attention. You can see her on Uncharted Territory, season two, on IWTV.live … that was an unpaid promo. How do you like commercials in your show reviews, WWE? Thought so.
Banks steals the match - not a horrible match but .. nothing outstanding. Lawler goads Lynch into attacking Banks .. and she heads to ringside and the two start to pummel each other.
(Match Time: 4:22 Match Rating: 2.1 out of 5)
There’ll be another Firefly FunHouse tonight.
Raw Tag Title Match: © Robert Roode/Dolph Ziggler v.. Heavy Machinery
Before the match we had a rundown of last week's Fiend/Rollins fiasco. A long rundown. Ziggler’s hair is going to be dry by the time we go back to ringside. Brock is trending #1 worldwide. Match is finally underway. Machinery is showing off their power by handing Ziggler off while holding him upside down - but Ziggy gets the advantage and tags Roode in. Ref is losing control of the match. Double team suplex for HM. And Machinery looks good right now.
Commercial
We’re back and Machinery are still dominating this match. Roode pulls the top rope down sending Tucker flying out of the ring. RoodeZig is now controlling the match. That fire ass opening gave me a push but this match is dragging me down bros. I just don’t care about either team enough to make these titles worth a damn. I’m gonna drink my beer. I’ll be back when something interesting happens. Dennis here, just wanted to let you know I puked in my mouth at the caterpillar.
Roode & Ziggler win after a Ziggler superkick into Otis’s ugly mug.
(Match Time: 11:10 Match Rating: 2.0 out 5.)
Miz TV is next. Am I the only one looking forward to ZombieLand 2?
Miz looks like a million bucks in that red suit. I can guarantee this interview is going to be a goddamn train wreck. Allow me to save you the headache and give you the highlights only.
Seth Rollins v. Randy Orton
Match never got off , as King Cuck came out to help Orton, but then Rusev comes running out to help Rollins and I’m all kinds of fucking confused about what is going on. I’ll be honest with you, reader, I shotgunned a Natty Ice while Flair and Hogan were going on about a ppv I will not be watching.
I am a real american begins to play as Rusev hugs Hogan … you know, because Rusev is now a legal citizen of the United States.
Awkard moment at the announcing booth when Jerry Lawler exclaimed “What about this team (the announcing team) and neither of his new friends chimed in.
Rusev in the back. Charlie asks him about Lana. I want Rusev to be repackaged as the Incredible Rusev .. when you ask him about Lana, he turns Green and you won't like him when he turns green.
Viking Raiders v. The O.C
This is a match that should be saved for down the road when both teams are white hot and killing each other for the belts. Not a match in the middle of a throwaway garbage pile show. Just my opinion.
Commercial
And we’re back. Man, OC and the Raiders are fucking beasts. Wait … Lawler is getting taught what Larping is during the goddamn match. What the fuck. Lawler just said “I just about had it with you guys,” and that was a shoot, brotha. I can’t stop laughing at the Larping … i’m useless for the rest of this match.
I will say this … OC could be so great … if they weren’t so content with just getting paid.
Commercial
This match is as it should be, two massive teams trading shots and slamming bodies. Vikings are so fucking agile for the size …
Vikings over the Mother Lovers . Not a horrible match but nothing great. Seeing a theme?
(Match Time: 10:27 Match Rating: 2.4 out of 5)
Commercial
Ricochet v. Cesaro
Twitter is up in arms about this match - apparently they’ve wrestled each other a bunch of times already. But … if you look at the past month or two of Raw .. it’s been the same show week in week out. And these are two solid talents who put on great matches. Someone just messaged me that AEW has signed a deal with TSN to air Dynamite live on TSN. That’s pretty cool for our Canucks.
Really tired of the superhero narrative or tagline … Beautiful west coast pop puts Ricochet over Cesaro. Cesaro should jump to nXt.
(Match Time: 2:46 Match Rating: 2.9 out of 5)
Commercial
Time for Firefly FunHouse bay bay. The dolls are upset. The dino spoke in tongues and I’m shook. Shit. The Rabbit is dead and Bray is losing his shit. OH, never mind, he gets over sadness fast. Just threw out the rabbit. The pig is feasting on some cake. Too many sprinkles. Bray tells us it’s okay to be scared. He’s scared.
What is hell in the cell like? A world without chocolate. Pig fucking broke down hard. These segments are so much more than anything being produced by any company. It’s some Kevin Sullivan 80’s shit. It’s beautiful.
Wyatt attempted to blow us a kiss goodbye, but couldn’t figure out what hand to use. Lol.
United States Title Match: © AJ Styles v. Cedric Alexander
Alexander is definitely a Heyman project. I wouldn’t be surprised if he upsets Styles in this match just so WWE can say that “Anything can happen” on the “New and Improved” Raw. These two are so smooth in the ring. With most of the talent, if you watch close enough, you can see error .. these two can hide that error somehow, because they fix it in the middle of the mistake, it’s really a poetic kind of thing.
Alexander is going to be the new Daniel Bryan or Kofi Kingston going forward. He has the fans behind him, the underdog story and he’s talented as all hell.
The way Styles glides in the air so effortlessly is a thing of beauty. Magical almost. Styles pulls out the victory in the match of the night so far.
(Match Time: 9:39 Match Rating: 3.1 out of 5)
Lacey Evans .. i gotta grab a beer.
The match didn’t start yet? God damn it, WWE.
Lacey Evans v. Natayla
Why are we being punished, WWE? I mean, we were all excited about the NEW era … and this, you shit on a plate and serve us this?
The show started off so good. I want more of that. Less of this. I’m just so tired of these matches with characters no one wants on TV. This is why hour three tanks. Trying not to be overly negative, but .. can you hear the fucking crowd, Vince? NO ONE CARES ABOUT EVANS. Your vanity projects are the things that are killing your business.
Evans wins.
(Match Time: 3:48 Match Rating: 1.3 out of 5)
Looking at the beginning of the show - Brock attacking Rey and Son. Paul tells us that it’s Vince’s fault this happened.
Ut Oh.
Lots of promos. None of them selling me on this upcoming show. Though, now i understand why Sash dyed her hair blue. She’s the blueprint.
A LIMO!!! WHO IS IT.
Universal Title Match: © Rusev v. Seth Rollins
This doesn’t make a god damn bit of sense. Typical WWE booking. “We’re a team, so we fight,” garbage. And clearly, Lana is in the Limo. Because why wouldn’t she be. But WHO is she with. Lawler still seems agitated over the larping thing. That, or I can’t stop fucking laughing about it every time I think about it.
Commercial
Seven minutes left. This show started so hot, guys. I hope they look into going to two hours and tightening up the stories. I really think it’s killing the show, the length. Rusev and Rollins trading shots neither really gaining an advantage.
Oh god. It’s Lashley … was he the one in the Limo? DISAPPOINTMENT.
Jesus the make out …
FIEND
What the fuck is this show ending. I can’t … I uh … what?
I can only end this with holy moly.