HELL IN MY ROOM ..er, Cell.
By Dennis DuBay
Note: I lost feed after the Mother Lovers v. Viking Raiders match. Due to the bullshit booking of the ending of this abortion of a show, I will not re-watch any of it.
NOTE: I am drinking ... so shits getting sideways eventually!
Becky Lynch v. Sasha Banks for the Raw Women’s Title
Here we are again. Another three hours of WWE programming. I don’t think I’ll ever get to watch other TV shows anymore - Wrestling has taken over my life. I think I understand why Booker T takes so much cocaine. There’s no way to survive without it any longer.
This portion of the column brought to you by White Snort, when you’re running low.. Wait, sorry.
Back and forth match. I love Becky’s gear … simple, but bad ass looking. Sasha doesn’t seem to have a bit of ring rust .. botching moves left and right. Really good opening match if I’m being totally out of character and honest. Becky and Sasha do work well together.
The chair gimmick in the cage was a bit scary. I wanna see a women’s match where there is blood. I blame Game Changer Wrestling for that. Three kendo sticks hanging from a steel chair hanging from a cage. I’m here for it.
Think any woman would take a bump from the top of a cage to the announcers table? If you answered yes, seek help and tell me who. In the mean time, Lynch just dropped a beautiful fucking leg drop from the top rope after hitting Sasha with a running drop kick.
Banks with a backstabber and Bex is HURT. I don’t know why I capitalized that. Sorry.
Banks just filled the ring with a shit ton of chairs, but that backfired as Lynch suplexed her into them bastards.
Lynch then taps Banks out.
WINNER: Becky Lynch
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
54% of bWb Twitter Followers predicted Sasha Banks to win.
Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns v. Erick Rowan, Luke Harper
Well it's the BIGGGG SH...er, Big Dog, my bad. But doesn't there music sound pretty pretty pretty similar at the beginning? I've actually really enjoyed this pairing of Roman and Daniel. If you'd have told me this in January I'd have punched you in the goddamned mouth. Wait, that seems like an over reaction. I can't wait till they put the belt back on Bryan. That will be such an amazing moment, after all he's gone through.
Rowan and Harper are a helluva team as well. Would be really nice if WWE could not bungle ... is that the right word .. their run this time. I wonder if they are still connected to the Fiend, that's all i've been thinking about since the start of this match. Wyatt's Bastard Children (what I'm calling them) are dominating this match thus far, but Big Sexy Roman Reigns is taking back that control. But it was thwarted quickly by the by Bastards.
There's no denying that Rowan & Harper are the best bearded tandem in the game. I DARE YOU to find a better team. Network just went down for about 20 seconds. I should have pissed then. I'll regret my decisions later on. Feed is back and Bryan is getting mauled by Team Beard. "Masterful Teamwork," says Corey Graves. Fans are hating on the Bastards. This is a team you could really push to the top if you had any common fucking sense. "Classic Daniel Bryan," says Michael Cole .. i missed what happened, so i'm just going to trust Cole this time.
Reigns got that control back, killing Harper with 8 punches, but Rowan pulls the top rope down and Reigns goes crashing down. Bryan is now hulking up in the ring, givin some yes kicks to Harper. He probably wishes that they couldn't find his number. Action is getting hot and heavy.
Oh dear, the announce table is being assaulted - monitors are on the floor and Corey Graves is shuttering! Rowan just body slammed Harper onto Reigns. They are destroying everything, my friends. Shouldn't they be fined for this?? Pretty sure they just killed Roman with the top of the announcers tables. Who's the guy in the pink suit ... Yikes.
I don't know what just happened. Bryan hit Harper with a hurricanrana off the announcers table and then Reigns came out of nowhere with a spear on Rowan. I SHOULD NOT HAVE DRANK SO MUCH BEFORE THIS SHOW.
Apparently they only needed to announce four matches because this one is going on FOREVER. Harper almost ends it with a powerbomb from the top rope. But Danny kicks out. Harper throwing Dan around like he's a used Kleenex after a night of Skinamax. But Reigns somehow gets tagged in? And spears Harper for the win.
WINNER: Reigns & Bryan
Rating: 3.2 out of 5
71% of you predicted Team Big Dog to win.
Yup, had to run to the bathroom, missed what happened to Reigns & Bryan, anything good? Leave it in comments.
Randy Orton v. Ali - Spur of the moment booking.
Orton takes the early advantage. You can smell tobacco just watching Orton matches. For a second I thought that was Earl Hebner reffing. It's always nice when wrestlers coordinate with each other on outfits. This is now the green and black match. Orton using his experience to take control of the match, and then slamming Ali into the announcers table ... yes, again, the announcers are under attack.
Orton has taken full control of this match - currently outside the ring, but Ali lands on his feet after Orton flicks him over his shoulder like a dead cig. Ali is still hurting though, holding his stomach. He's holding his stomach but Cole says he may have a broken rib. I don't know. Ali has a nasty bruise right under his ribs. Really great camera work on that.
Some how Ali is fighting back after having his insides totally destroyed. That's pretty tough man. i don't envy that first shit after this match. He is somehow still jumping around like nothing happened. Cole with an insensitive comment, due to the situation at hand: "Ali has a lot of guts". What a jerk.
Graves is talking about catching wind, so fart fetish confirmed. Ali top rope, attempting the 450 but missed but hit Orton with a tornado DDT. He's back on the top rope. Missed another 450. Orton is just staring at him, laughing. I tried a 450 once. Ended up stuck on my refrigerator. Horrible day. Orton hits Ali with a DDT. Ali counters the RKO and almost steals the win, but then gets hit with the RKO. Cole came twice.
Winner: Randy Orton
Rating: 3.3 out of 5
60% of you predicted Ali to win.
Nikki Cross & Alexa Bliss v. Kabuki Warriors - Women's Tag Team Championship Match
The rumor going around is that WWE is going to put the keebosh on the women's tag titles .. so look for Kabuki warriors to come out victorious. That'd be a very Vince McMahon thing to do, right? Looks like Alexa and Asuka coordinated outfits too. I love the unity, gang. Cole is talking about being the number one brand .. the upcoming draft will be very telling how the company sees both brands. How does Asuka get her hair the multicolors? Someone teach me. Leave it in the comments. We've got an emergency in the house. The washer isn't draining. My brother is currently in a hardcore battle with the washer. I'm waiting for Orange Cassidy to show up out of nowhere.
If there's ever a remake of Xena: Warrior princess, Nikki Cross is my pick. And I should have an automatic pick as I've watched every episode. I love you Kalisto.
Asuka hitting Cross with the Yes Kicks, and then washes her shoe on Cross's face. Interesting move. ASUKA with the green mist on Cross ...
Winners: Kabuki Warriors
Rating: 2.7 out of 5
75% had Cross & Bliss winning.
The Mother Lovers v. Viking Raiders & Braun Strowman
Really thought it'd be CM Punk .. but here we are and we'll deal with it. By the way, back there when i said i thought it'd be CM Punk, that was a joke. Braun and the boys didn't get together for face paint coordination. -2 points from match rating. Gallows throwing Ivar around pretty easily but Ivar shows his mobility leaping from the top rope. I'm not going to lie, i'm fading now. This match just doesn't interest me. Does it you?
Based on twitter voting, the show is starting to fade for most viewers. Sad, really. Show started hot.
Just lost my feed.
I got my feed back just before the Fiend v. Seth Rollins match.
I'm not even going to finish the fucking column. Here's the thing. You had the hottest goddamned character you've had in forever. And what do you do? You KILL it. Instead of shoving it down our fucking throats like you did with Roman Reigns, you decide to kill it early. Vince ...
Do you remember how long it took to beat Goldberg?
Do you remember how long it took to knock down The Undertaker?
Do you remember how long it took to bodyslam Andre The Giant?
1. You killed the mystique of the Fiend character.
2. You didn't even give us a fucking finish.
Bray Wyatt might as well just go back to sitting at home coming up with other ideas for you to piss on.