FU if you didn't like F9 - A review.

 


Why do people want to have a bad time? Why do they seek out pain instead of pleasure? Anyways, I watched the latest installment of the Fast & The Furious franchise, aptly titled F9.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? How can you shit on a cinematic masterpiece of not just storytelling told in a voice only Dominic Torretto can provide, but the CGI & special effects that not only got my nipples hard, but blew my dick off at the same time, capped off with Tej & Roman penetrating space like the bad asses they fucking are. 

The movie had it all: action, comedy, thoughtfulness, an Oscar worthy performance from Vin Diesel ... oh, wait. Okay, it was missing some titties and ass, huh. That's why you guys didn't like it? 

Fucking perverts.

It was great to see Han back, Ramsey is a goddess, and the best part? No Rock. Fuck you Dwayne. You tried to steal FF from Vinny D and we ain't having it in this house of Familia!

Now, I'm not happy that future Narc John Cena was in the movie, but they were smart and limited his screen time, so we good, we good.

I do have to ask the question though ... the Toretto's momma, she dipped out that house a few times when Dad was off oil jobbin' cars, yeah? Cena is the whitest mother fuck in the world, Dom & Mia well ... they aint. Unless Jakob spent all summer in the house watching wrestling, I GOT QUESTIONS.

Anyways, all I know is I was NOT bored during the 143 minutes of watching a family slowly come to terms with some deep seeded issues and in the end let love & family be the spider tack to their reconciliation. 

See what I did there? I think that's what they call a simile.

I'll give F9 16 out 24 beer cans.

(Did you like this review? Do you want to help Dennis continue his alcoholic downfall? Then head on over to BuyDennisABeer.com ...Just fucking do it.We know our fanbase is milking those Unemployment Checks. PAY ME MONEY)


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