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Monday, June 22, 2015

The Krude Experience - 6/22/15


Business Trips


Are extended work related trips really about being work related? Or,are they about the amount of booze you'll pour down your throat in that time? Ol' Krude put in the effort recently to bring you his take on this subject. Pack a toothbrush. Press your slacks. Off to whereverland we go! All in the name of crass capitalism.

May the farce be with us.

One (a shill for your company) quickly learns while being on the road that the hotel bar automatically becomes the de facto nerve center of all activities,from here on in. In theory,the hotel bar is a logical place to begin or end all days. Places to sit.Coffee brewing around the clock. And most importantly, 24/7 access to alcohol.

Being on the road, traveling on weekdays (on the company's dime) is weird thing. When all meals and expenses are comped,you eat more than usual. And drink way more than usual. Sobriety only occurs between the hours of 8am to 6pm-and that's a rough estimate.Trying to clean up (get sober enough) to face another day of boring meetings,is a real challenge. But only the finest of drunkards find a way to pull this off on every morning of their trip.

Drinking on the plane ride is the real catch-22 of the whole trip. Nothing wrong with it,but I feel it's better to be sober when you arrive. To get a good,honest look at your surroundings. On the plane ride home,throw a party on the flight. Why not? If US Marshalls have to escort you from the plane when you land,your legend has been cemented.

I remember a story I read about a football player (a Raider) who learned how to sleep with his eyes open during team meetings at training camp. I have to say,if you have the patience to learn this trick,it could come in real handy when you need to catch ZZZz's while being present at a mandatory meeting. Thank you Ken Stabler. You belong in the NFL Hall of Fame.

It is always best to scout out these nearest places of interest upon arrival as well,if the booze be flowing free:

Pharmacy Rubbers,antacid,water,beef jerky, refill script for Vicodin etc...

Pawn shop
Just in case you need quick cash,sell your Iphone or Movado watch. Needing quick cash usually means an emergency. See next entry.

Bail Bondsman
He (or she) is your best friend when you find yourself in the local lockup for doing something you don't remember. And you need to get out in time to catch the next important business meeting. Happens more than you would think.

No matter how hot a co-worker may be,I try my best not to end up with one during these trips. Don't shit where you eat,i says. It's more fun trying to wrangle up local pussy anyways. Office politics already suck.Why make it worse with quick lay with a chick you already have to be nice to everyday at work regardless?

And now to the work trip boozing. Nothing beats having an expense account with no limitations. Not to say I'm buying a Bentley with it. Just saying entertaining (drinking)on the company's dime doesn't suck. Want to buy a few rounds of Sambuca shots? Done. A pitcher of craft beer or carafe of fine wine. Done. Nachos or hot wings. Done. Get a rub and tug at the local geisha house. Done. Done in the name of company productivity. Just remember to always take care of your servers. Learn their first name and make them a part of your evening. Buy backs don't suck either.

Here's hoping your next extended business trip is one you'll never live down. I'm counting on you.

Love
Peace
Soul
KK

@kapn_krude

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