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Monday, August 21, 2017

The Krude Experience - Krude NFL Preview 2017


Krude NFL Preview 2017

Here we go again. Another season of  National Football League high speed collisions,tailored around beer and pizza commercials,in HD. Krude here to give you the lowdown on what to expect from your favorite team this year. Don't shoot the messenger.


Let's do it!

Arizona Cardinals
Carson and Larry's Last Ride. And Arians sure to step down after another doomed season. Bidwell to reboot for 2018.

Atlanta Falcons
Blowing a 25 point lead in a Super Bowl is not good. Julio and Matty Ice are the tits. And Artie Blank is the ass. Playoffs,but no title this year.

Baltimore Ravens
Flacco is the Mark Rypien of this generation of QB's. One ring doesn't make you great or even good. Harbaugh will be coach of Bears in 2018.

Buffalo Bills
How long before Bills fans start wearing paper bags over their heads in Orchard Park? Total Suck for Luck season. Not worth enduring foul weather for.

Carolina Panthers
Cam will go all in this season and win games by himself. Until Week 10 when N.Suh cheap shots him to the IR in prime time. No coach of the year trophy for Riverboat Ron.

Chicago Bears
John Fox will not see the day in Chicago that Mitchell Trubisky becomes a true NFL bust. Who cares? Cubbies won the World Series.

Cincinnati Bengals
This team has the horses to run deep into the playoffs. But Marv Lewis isn't the jockey to lead them to the Winner's Circle. Brown family will lose all patience and gut this team for 2018.

Cleveland Browns
Brownies taking a page out of the Reggie McKenzie book of rebuild. Whoever at QB will be good for some laffs this year. 2019 will be the year the Browns go .500.

Dallas Cowboys
The Dak and Dez show. That'll keep the seats in Jerry's Dallas Palace filled for a few years. NFL won't let Jones get another ring. Believe it.

Denver Broncos
New coach. Same great defense. Same benign offense. Wouldn't doubt Elway puts on the pads and Spot-Bilts one last time to spark this shit offense.

Detroit Lions
One guy at my usual Sunday Ticket carrying bar I watch games at wears a Lions hat every week. That takes balls. And tons of Tums.

Green Bay Packers
Aaron Rodgers has another 5 years of elite play in him. Packers defense has more holes than a cheesehead hat.Mike McCarthy is coaching on borrowed time. Again,no title in Titletown.

Houston Texans
This could be the surprise team in the AFC this season. JJ and Jadeveon will be unstoppable. Pick your QB: Savage or Deshaun? Doesn't matter. At least it's not Osweiler.

Indianapolis Colts
Israyland. Andrew Luck is the only thing the Colts have. And he's hurt. Maybe Peyton is getting bored sucking Papa Johns' ass by now and wants to suit up.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Hasn't this team moved to London yet?

Kansas City Chiefs
This is a Super Bowl or bust type of team. Wouldn't be surprised if Colin Kap joins Chiefs midway thru season if Alex Smith goes down. Then Reid may get a ring. Finally.

Los Angeles Chargers
New location. New coach. Same crap team. Philip Rivers is better off just making more babies with his wife by this point.

Los Angeles Rams
The Scottish call it Goff. I call him: Bust. Reason why Jeffy Fisher was fired last year.

Miami Dolphins
Cutler time in South Beach. Maybe if Jay's hot wife becomes head Dolphins cheerleader,I'll watch their games.

Minnesota Vikings
Can you name anybody on the Vikings roster not named Bradford? Nope. That's sad. Decent defense. But Sammy under center hurts.

New England Patriots
Reigning champs. And game balls stayed  properly inflated.AFC favorite. Again. Unless age catches up to Brady quick.

New Orleans Saints
This year the Saints should hit double digit wins for the first time in forever. If they don't, Sean Payton will be pimping in the dry heat of Arizona next season.

New York Giants
This is probably Eli's last legitimate chance to make a Super Bowl run with Jints. 26 TD passes to 39 interceptions. Count on it.

New York Jets
By October,Jets season ticket holders will be demanding refunds. Or for the resignation of Fireman Ed. Either way,first pick of 2018 NFL Draft will be theirs.

Oakland Raiders
Will be Vegas Raiders soon. But not before Oakland gets a ring or two more. Will challenge for AFC crown. Just Win Baby!

Philadelphia Eagles
Eagles drafted the best QB last year with Wentz. Birds will need his arm cuz every game will be a wild shootout. Close to being a good team. Not this year though.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Big Ben on board for another season. Cupcake scheduling always give Steelers an edge. Will be good. But will fall short when it really counts.

San Francisco 49ers
Make sure to watch on 12/3 at 1pm EST the epic battle between Mike Glennon and Brian Hoyer. Or just watch 700 Club instead. The choice is obvious.

Seattle Seahawks
If Carroll and Cable create a decent offense line with a running game,then Russell W can lead them to the Super Bowl. The D has a little gas left,enough to reach the Lombardi Trophy.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
This team will play like kids in a sandlot. Scrappy and chippy. Jameis has some new toys to play with. Real gamblers know Bucs are $ this year.

Tennessee Titans
Mariota has some Samoan blood running through him. No wonder he kicks ass on the field. Playoffs are probable in Music City.

Washington Redskins
Kirk Cousins makes a lot of $ per season as Franchise player,but can't get Skins to commit to long term just yet. Sounds like the crappy relationship drama we all live with.

Have fun during the next 5 months of letting NFL football consume your time and emotions. Booze is a requisite. Gambling is optional. Coming home to wife or girlfriend IMMEDIATELY after games are over is mandatory. Mahalo.

Fuck ESPN for the needless firings

KK
@kapn_krude


Even a clock that's stopped is correct twice a day. 

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