Keeping it Classy with Vanity - 3/21/15

I’m Vanity and I’m a classy broad who loves to drink wine.  When I say classy I mean sometimes I wear heels and drink out of a glass with a stem as opposed to a coffee mug or the bottle.  The classiness ends there, you’ll see.  By “I love to drink wine” I mean I’ve been to rehab.  

So my favorite thing to drink is what I call a “juice box” you know those mini box wines that have three glasses worth in each.  You can drink them anywhere and I feel pretty sure most people don’t know you’re boozing it up cause it’s not in a glass bottle.  I’ve probably filled a small landfill with empty Sutter Home glass bottles though as well.  

Some of my best drinking has been done on trains.  A lot of train stations out east will straight up pour two or three bottles of Sutter Home in a soda cup with a straw and send you on your way.  I think that idea is so great I’ve done that in cities where you’re not supposed to do that.  Most of the time I don’t even bother with the soda cup.    

The other thing I’m really into are those giant jugs of Carlo Rossi.  I need my drinking habit to be cheap enough to afford drinking gallons and gallons of wine a week but I am so snobby I sometimes like my wine to come in a glass container.  That’s where Carlo Rossi comes in.  The second runner up would be “two buck chuck” which comes in a normal size bottle.  The bottle size is both a pro and a con.  It is too small to contain the amount of wine I seek, but at least it looks like a normal amount.  For a period of time I was blowing money on magnum bottles of Yellow Tail.  I like the magnum bottles because I could say “I only had one bottle of wine last night” but it was more like a bottle and a half or more.  Kinda like how I would pour wine into the biggest cup I own and call it “one glass.”  Its all about drinking like a classy lady people.

This one time a couple years ago I walked to my nearest liquor store in the rain to get some of those magnum bottles of Yellow Tail, one white and one red.  They bagged each in a separate black plastic bag.  I love those black plastic bags, don’t you?  As I was skipping home in the rain I swung the bags around to my back and they smashed into each other, shit.  The bottom of the bottle of red cracked open.  I acted quickly.  Immediately I flipped the bottle upside down, saving what I could and carried it home like this the last five blocks.  When I got back to my apartment, I poured the wine out into a soup pot, picked out the glass, and drank every last drop.  Don’t ever let wine go to waste.  Drink fancy my friends! 

Xoxo V.

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