Lady Wine Gifted’s Tips On How To Be A Successful Functioning Alcoholic

You know what really kills a buzz? People thinking you have a drinking problem. Feeling constantly watched or judged by your friends and family can make it really difficult to express yourself through alcohol. I believe we should all have the right to appreciate the art of drinking without discrimination. In order to do this, however, one needs to learn how to effectively maintain the appearance as someone who drinks at a socially acceptable level. That is what I want to talk about today.

You may be thinking, “Who the hell are you, and what qualifies you to talk about this very hard hitting topic?” Well, alcohol is very important to me, and I spend all my time writing about it on I’m the proud mother of many bottles of booze. I have a "wine cellar", which is a corner of my garage that is holding about 50 of my babies. I have 3 different wine refrigerators, because the main refrigerator is for the beer. My kitchen counter is currently home to bottles of my liquor children. My blood is made up of about 94% alcohol at any given time, but I blend in like any non-drinker/occasional drinker Joe Shmoe. How do I do it? Here are tips for being the best functioning alcoholic you can be.

Not a day goes by that I don’t thank Jeebus for the invention of brunch. Everyone is totally fine with drinking in the middle of the day as long as it’s coupled with toast and eggs. This is a good time to make a comment like, “I don’t usually drink, but those mimosas look pretty good.” If brunch is not an option, and you are stuck at home with a roommate or significant other, coffee drinks are the key. Coffee has such a strong scent, no one would know there’s anything alcoholic in it. The coffee I am drinking right at this moment is spiked with vanilla and espresso liquor. Take a look. Does it look like alcohol? Nope!

This is a tough one for obvious reasons. More than likely, your company’s employee manual has an alcohol policy that prohibits drinking in the office. I doubt, however, that the manual has any language about drinking during lunch.  This is why taking your lunch break is very important. The spiked coffee you had in the morning will have worn off by this time. You’ll need a glass or two of light wine or beer to get you through the day until it’s time for happy hour.

If you’re planning a night out, you’ll need to get some drinks in before leaving. You don’t want the people you are out with to notice the number of drinks you are consuming. If you are already tipsy when it’s time to leave, you can take it slow with the drinks you buy wherever you end up. It’s a socially and fiscally sound plan!

You must always bring your own alcohol to a party! If you depend on the host to provide the alcohol to you, they will most certainly notice their supply being depleted. If you introduce foreign bottles of alcohol to the mix, no one will think to keep track.

Need a little something to help you sleep, but don’t want to be groggy from sleep aids? Get yourself an empty Nyquil bottle, fill it with red wine, and keep it on your nightstand. No one will ever question that.

I will leave you with one more piece of advice. Try not to get totally wasted while practicing these tips. The goal here is maintaining a healthy buzz throughout the day, not blowing your cover by being a sloppy drunk. Keep it professional, people!

1 comment:

  1. In my family, drinking wine at dinner is a tradition. It is a pity that some people just do not stop the extent and suffer from alcohol dependence. And if I have a party, my wife usually cooks pasta or risotto, and in my wine cooler NewAir AW-210ED Review enough wine is enough for all the guests to be happy. Wine is the basis of a good evening. So of course there are rare bottles of Sauvignon, Riesling, Jose, and I'll be faithful to traditions in any case)


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