Raw Review: Cuckland
By Dennis DuBay
What Worked: Miz TV, Green Mist
What Didn’t: Fury/Strowman angle, Ignoring HIAC main event.
Total Match Points: 13.8 AVG Match Rating: 2.76
Show starts with a Rusev getting cucked again by Bobby Lashley and his ex-wife, Lana in the Rusev Manor getting their fuck on. For some reason Randy Orton & King Corbin are ringside and feel the wrath of the Cucked. Rusev is destroying everything in his path except entertainment.
Somewhere, a very pregnant Maria Kanellis is sitting on her couch calling Lana a cunt for stealing the coveted cuck storyline. Apparently, Vince McMahon came to the writing session today and told the writers that the show was good, but it needed more cuck.
Cuckamania continues as Lacey Evans is on my screen, effectively cucking my desire to watch this mother fucking show.
Lacey Evans v. Natayla - In a Who Gives a flying fuck match.
If you can sense my anger from last night still, I wouldn’t be surprised. I wasn’t even going to watch tonight, but I have an obligation to you, the fan, so you are welcome and fuck you for making me do this. I’ll leave my paypal info at the end of this sumbitch.
Natty locks in the sharpshooter and seven fans cheered. One screamed stop it. I think he meant the match, but … who knows really. Evans takes control of the match with some weak ass garbage punches.
I wish we were still watching Becky Lynch v. Sasha Banks from last night. I’d be happy again. And it’s been so long since I’ve felt that. We’re going to commercial and I want to know why this match is still a goddamn thing. END IT.
I stopped watching the match. I am now watching the eight minute preview of the NWA Power tv show:
This fucking match is still on? What the … Oh, okay, Lacey just got blasted into a table and lost. Can we never see these two in a match together again?
Winner: Natayla
Time: 17:10
Rating: 2.3 out of 5
Pointless promo after pointless promo. Sure, Aleister Black is cool. You know who else was fucking cool? The Fiend. And guess what happened to him? Yeah, you know. WE all know.
Robert Roode & Dolph Ziggler v. Viking Raiders in a NONtitle match up
I love that the Raiders have been getting matches on TV, but what’s the point of these beat the champs to get a shot at the champs - shouldn’t they beat other contenders to get a chance at the title? I don’t know. Seems weird to me - but maybe there’s logic involved and I’m just not privy to said logic. Roode is being wasted as a tag team wrestler. Good action in the ring - Raiders are so damn agile man.
The commercials in the middle of matches have to stop. I forget all about what’s going on and find myself staring into the refrigerator. Champs are controlling the match on the outside doing damage.
Very entertaining match - and I’m NOT a Dolph Ziggler fan. It’s almost impossible for me to type Dolph and not Lundgren after it. Anyone else have this problem? Ziggler getting picked up like a bag of cotton candy and tossed around. Erik. Spinebuster on Erik by Roode, but he kicks out - champs are starting to look desperate. But Rood finds that cocky side quickly. Tried for the Glorious DDT, but stopped it - Raiders get the advantage quickly and pull off the win.
Winners: The Viking Raiders
Time: 16:34
Rating: 3.1 out of 5
Oh god. The Singh Brothers. I’m asking Bob for a fucking raise. I’m going to go climb up on my roof and fall head first. Aliester is coming out for this fucking garbage? Oy. His return would have been better severed as a surprise against someone … interesting or … good.
Aleister Black v. The Singh Brothers
It lasted longer than Kofi Kingston's match. But not by much. I’m not even giving this official match status.
A look back at said Kingston match is now playing. Stop reading my google docs file, Vince. Now Rey is on the screen talking smack to Brock. This Raw is so boring. Could we go to a commercial so i can grab a beer, Charlie?
I believe based on the reaction the fans gave, Rey just told Brock he’d Humble Him and the ass, in spanish.
More promos, i can’t hear, because the dryer is on full dry mode. Holy fuck is it loud. Fuck. I blacked out and forgot to grab a beer. I’l do it now.
Lucha House Party v. The Mother Lovers
WWE should bring a trio title to the game so they can abandon that gimmick a few weeks afterward. Here’s the fucking thing … if you’re going to squash matches - here’s a perfect time for one. No way the Lucha House Party should last longer than five minutes against the Mother Lovers. Commercial
We’re back and the Mother Lover’s are in domination form. Pele kick will never not pop me. Such a poetic fucking move and The Mother Lovers’ are your winners.
Winners: The Mother Lovers
Time: 9:27
Rating: 2.8 out of 5
MIZ TV - Guests tonight: Becky Lynch and Charlotte Flair.
Gosh, I wonder where this is going: (Flair/Lynch v. Bayley/Banks) I know it’s the hip thing to hate Becky Lynch these days (never scream Yummy again, Miz) but i think she’s fucking phenomenal. Plus that accent. Yummy. God damn it. See what you’ve done Miz. Now, on the other hand, Charlotte Flair … just bothers me. Yeah, good in the ring, good on the mic .. but god damn i hate her, like on an unhealthy personal level. Okay, so not that bad, but overpushed comes to mine. Becky looks under the weather.
The Kabuki Warriors v. Becky Lynch & Charlotte Flair
I’m worried that Asuka will spit green mist into Charlotte’s face and the plastic surgery will melt off. Apparently Paige is no longer the Warriors manager? Is she even doing anything with the company anymore? Such a shame. Paige, if you are reading this, you can write a column at bWb. Bob doesn’t pay shit, but we usually get a lot of porn stars giving us free DVDs.
Oh Shit, Lynch got the green mist - Vince and Ric must have mandated it this way. There’s something strangely sexy about Asuka’s face after she sprays the green. I probably need help. Warriors win the match and a beatdown ensues … but Bliss and Cross come to the aid of Flair and Lynch???
Winners: Kabuki Warriors
Time: 11:27
Rating: 3.1 out of 5
Ricochet v. Apollo Crews
Wrestling fatigue is setting in. Hell, I haven’t seen Tiffany on Twitter all day. I think she’s in Grapple Coma. If Crews goes over the company has quit trying to make any kind of sense. Ricochet is just so god damn smooth. He can’t talk at all - a manager would benefit him SO much. It would put him in the upper echelon of the singles division. Ricochet hits a codebreaker and picks up the win in an okay match.
Winner: Ricochet
Time: 3:59
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
A diarrhea commercial airs and no ad spot has ever been more accurate. Tyson Fury is coming out to address us for whatever fucking reason. We have 11 minutes left and I’m ready to punch the fuck out for the night. This show has been trash from the get go.
I have no interest in Fury the wrestler. He actually looks like a nonathletic; not one of his punches landed.
This shit is garbage.