XSW: You Know It To Be True
Live in New York City, The PIT Loft
October 18, 2019
Live streaming on independentwrestling.tv
Report Filed By: Tiffany Rose
After last month’s XSW 26 we are back at the PIT Loft in Manhattan for another round of seriously good times! I was unable to make the trip to NYC this evening to see the show live, unfortunately, but it’s great that IWTV.live is streaming tonight’s show so that those who aren’t in attendance can still enjoy the real-time antics of the XSW gang. We left off in September with a brand new XSW CEO, the Big Boss Lady, shocking us all and usurping all rights and powers from FORMER XSW Owner Quinn Bickle much to his consternation!
Plus, the sweetest kid in the world, Johnny Fuckin’ Pop, is now the undisputed XSW World Champion after going through three whole stages of absolute heckin’ heck to get there. Tonight the stakes are at their highest for this pure soul as the main event will be a Mask vs Title Deathmatch against Eddie Slasher with everything on the line and anything can happen! If Slasher takes the victory he’ll take Johnny’s hard-earned title, but get this - if Johnny Pop wins, Eddie Slasher will be unmasked!
In addition to the main event we also have the return of Dr. Diamondfire to XSW as well as a tribute to the late great Mondo Pussi from his beloved son, Dr. Felix Kompfnut. In addition to this, what more will the Big Boss Lady have in store for us to see? Let’s DO this and find out!
Match 1: Pixiedust (with Kandy Cane) vs. Hank Houston
We start the show with the Brothers of Confection making their way to the ring. Looks like Hank Houston was unable to compete in this evening’s bout; I’m not sure if he had a prior baseball commitment (or softball even, if he’s friends with Sid Vicious) but this was the first time I’d ever seen a ref do a count-out before the competitor could even make an entrance. Once Hank was disqualified it looked as if Pixiedust had achieved sweet (get it?) victory, but his celebration was interrupted by the Ultimate Father, who came to the ring angrily claiming that the Brothers had given his daughter a cavity! This confrontation quickly led to an impromptu grudge match that saw Pixiedust beating Ultimate Father by submission after shoving an Atomic Warhead in his mouth, mandible-claw style. Solid win - you can’t mess around with Warheads, they’ll fuck your mouth up worse than Captain Crunch cereal.
We then have our XSW Hall of Fame induction and tribute to the late great Mondo Pussi as Dr. Felix Kompfnut took the mic to begin his speech, but he was rudely interrupted by Senator Rich Gladhand (of course!) who came to the ring and dared to question the credibility of inducting Mondo Pussi into the Hall of Fame when instead we could be celebrating and inducting him after all of the indictments and trials and tribulations he’s overcome (except for his injured shoulder, that lasts forever). Kompfnut wasn’t taking any bullshit, though, opting to easily send Gladhand to the floor and keep him incapacitated with a foot on his back while continuing the tribute. We then find out that Kompfnut plans to continue the family tradition as he donned the Pussi mask and declared himself Mondo Pussi Jr., letting us know that he plans to compete next month at XSW’s Forever Game. Good on MPJ, that’s the way to honor your old man’s memory!
Match 2: Retro Fitness vs. Adam Couleheel & The Prototype (XSW Tag Team Championship Match)
It looks like Adam Couleheel would be phoning this match in (literally) as The Prototype made his way to the ring alone but linked by Bluetooth to Couleheel so that both competitors could participate while one worked remotely. That’s the glory of technology, damn it! The returning and current reigning tag team champions received a heroes’ welcome as Nat Stalgia and Carmen Kardyo proudly displayed their tag belts. The match starts with Couleheel sending the message to Prototype to distract their opponents with a selfie, but this tactic against the team wouldn’t take Retro Fitness out so quickly. The Ladies Who Lunge wouldn’t be denied this evening as they worked together to take out the Prototype and Couleheel despite their computer chicanery. Retro Fitness took the victory to retain their belts and it looks like Couleheel may need to do an upgrade on his Strange Bedfellows tag partner if he doesn’t turn on him completely (or turn him off completely, whichever comes first).
Our undisputed reigning XSW World Champion Johnny Fuckin’ Pop comes out next to address tonight’s Mask vs. Title Deathmatch against Eddie Slasher. Johnny lets us know he’s worked hard for this championship title (and it’s a worthy belt indeed, imagine how many dimes it costs!) and we all know he’ll work just as hard to defend it. Tonight’s title match is a personal one, too - as it turns out, Johnny’s beloved crush and erstwhile tag partner Polly Q has been kidnapped(!!!) by the maniacal Eddie Slasher, and it’s up to The Wholesome Fuckin’ Show to save the day! We have faith in you, Johnny!
Match 3: Fatal Four Way (Bryan Tryuth, Barn Anderson, Douglas Fir, and Kerry O’Keye)
Serious Justin Angermeyer got word from the Big Boss Lady that there was an added stipulation to this Fatal Four Way - the winner would receive a ‘special surprise’. Quite the incentive however nebulous it sounds! As this is XSW we all know by now that a Fatal Four Way can quickly become a madcap encounter, and this one sure the hell got crazy with a quickness. Kerry O’Keye set the tone for the match as he sang ‘Monster Mash’ - it is Halloween season, after all - much to the delight of the XSW faithful in the audience. The sturdy and upright Douglas Fir was the early favorite to take it all in this one despite Tryuth being solid competition as the former XSW Midcard Champ, but Kerry O’Keye was definitely a highlight of the match as he sang his heart out just as strongly as he fought. In fact he sang so strongly that he wound up spooking poor Barn Anderson and caused the Enhorser to run around the ring, then at another point in the match standing up to the big tree and declaring that his “landslide will bring you down!” (LOL). The end of this match saw Douglas Fir standing tall and proud as the winner, and Angermeyer presented him with the special surprise - the Big Boss Lady has brought us a new XSW title! Douglas is our new XSW Really Special Champion...or otherwise known as the RE-SPEC Champ! Congratulations to Douglas Fir for branching out into this new milepost of his career!
Next we have a promo from Chikara’s own Cajun Crawdad, who announces he’s coming to XSW Forever Game in November! It’s always a damn good time when the gents and ladies of Chikara come out to play in the XSW ring, and next month will be no exception to the fun. Can’t wait to see Crawdad repping the dirty ol’ South in NYC!
Phil M. comes to the ring to remind us all that despite having few cinematic or competitive awards or honors given, he is indeed a credible opponent in XSW in addition to being an eminent film scholar. He’s trained under the best (including Cobra Kai) and is ready to take on the best as a part of XSW’s Forever Game in November!
Match 4: Shawn from Michael’s/ABBS (ABBStract Art) vs. Boulangerie & Hotdog Starkes (Buns of Fun)
After last month’s one-on-one bout between ABBS and Boulangerie that ended with Hotdog Starkes coming in for the much-needed assist, we now get to see our unified French and American foods combined into Buns of Fun teaming up against the Art-Make Kid and his protege ABBS! This one was bound to get messy when you think of all of the art supplies and condiments coming into play here. ABBStract Art was not here to play, however, and they pulled out every trick in the Michael’s canvas bag to try and come through with the victory. At one point in the match we had Shawn from Michael’s proving for certain that creative does indeed have something for him when he applied a generous amount of ketchup and mustard to a blank canvas, only to have Boulangerie scoff at his work and declare “it’s been done before.” As the French critic in Boulangerie continued to critique the artwork, ABBStract Art had one more devious deed to try against their opponents as they grabbed the hot dog and bread that Buns of Fun brought to the ring, much to the dismay of Boulangerie and Starkes - those ARE their children, after all! The kids, however, fought back! Yes, we saw ABBStract Art taken out by bread and weiner alike, allowing Buns of Fun to score the pin and win. They say that in indie wrestling you only get paid with a handshake and a hot dog, but tonight we saw PAYBACK from the hot dog (and the bun) instead!
Match 5: Dr. Rod Diamondfire vs. Big Dog
Dr. Diamondfire is back in XSW after losing his smile in every sense of the phrase, having to have his teeth replaced once the Big Floss Man forcibly removed them in their brutal match in August. Now that he’s back, he announces to the XSW faithful that he’s ready for some (xtremely) serious competition, and he has it tonight with newcomer Big Dog. I’m not sure how well trained Big Dog is, though, poor Rod was bitten several times during this match and will surely have to have his shots now in addition to having had his teeth recently fixed. Here’s to hoping the doctor has good insurance as he’s needed it a lot lately. Dr. Diamondfire was not wrong about his being ready for real competition, however, as he was still able to get the much-needed victory over Big Dog and show us all that he’s prepared for even the most savage opposition.
Match 6: Johnny Pop vs Eddie Slasher (XSW Championship on the line in Mask vs. Title Deathmatch)
The purest soul in Manhattan makes his way to the ring with his championship belt and we are ready to go for our main event! We have eerie red lights in the PIT Loft as Eddie Slasher arrives on the scene, prompting commentary to question the idea of having red lights in a main event match as they look absolutely terrible (LOL...sound familiar?) Our main event begins menacingly despite Johnny going for a handshake as Eddie Slasher goes for his machete, stalking the unaware and innocent Johnny as his next victim. Why is it always the virgin who gets stalked and killed first in these types of situations, anyway? However, the champ won’t be that quickly offed as Johnny is able to escape the threat of the machete and attempt a bit of offense. This doesn’t last long, though, as the Slasher then uses creepy vintage horror footage on the screen to send Johnny running and screaming from the ring and through the backstage door. Courage, Johnny! The champ soon comes back with his composure restored and his resolve strengthened (do it for Polly!) as he announces “Trick or treat, MELON FARMER!” and proceeds to do his best kung-fu moves on the Slasher. Eddie won’t be taken out even after this onslaught though, as the lights go out, leaving us wondering what will happen next. A ‘Several Hours Later’ title card appears on the screen and when the lights go back up we see both Johnny and referee Dylan chained to a stool with keys resting upon it...we’re in Saw territory now! Johnny manages to free himself and Slasher emerges again with his machete, this time even slashing a poor Johnny Pop fan who came to defend his hero! Chaos ensues and Johnny then has to rely on psychological tactics to survive now, donning a wig and speaking to Slasher in his mother’s voice to subdue him. Hey, if it worked on Jason, it’ll work on any other murderous maniac. Slasher is distracted long enough for Johnny to apply the Sugar Free Hold for a submission victory, and the nightmare for our champion is over!
...or is it?
Johnny Pop retains the gold, which means Eddie Slasher must be unmasked. Slasher doesn’t give in so easily, though, leading the champ on a wonderfully hectic Scooby-Doo style chase that involves two referees and all four men running through doors and peeking around corners. It’s pretty damn great, LOL. Once Slasher is finally cornered once and for all by Johnny and the referees, he’s unmasked to reveal his identity as...PHIL M.?!
That’s right folks, Phil M. was the man behind the mask, and apparently the mastermind behind a much more insidious scheme. Phil tells Johnny that this was all his plan, done at his direction. He’s directed every step of Johnny Pop’s career up to this point, including the championship win as well as his involvement with Polly Q (who we’re now informed was played by Kristin Chenoweth?!) Poor, devastated Johnny sinks to his knees in confusion and anger. He’s been betrayed and misled this whole time as he’s been fighting for his life and love! Someone’s got to pay for these lies, and I’ll tell you now, that someone is Phil M.! I’m rooting for our champion Johnny Fuckin’ Pop to take his life back into his own hands starting next month at XSW’s Forever Game, because you damn sure can’t keep a pure and wholesome soul down forever!
Post-Show Notes:
Many thanks to IWTV.live for allowing us all to catch all of tonight’s escapades and entertainment on the live stream, and as always much love and appreciation to the XSW crew for all of the riotous fun! See you in November back in NYC for XSW Forever Game where I’ll be live and front row!
Special thanks to the commentary team for the shoutout! I am 100% proud to be an XSW superfan, I love these awesome men and women and I encourage anyone who still hasn’t treated themselves to a show yet to check it out if you’re like me and LOVE the absurd side of wrestling most of all!