Xtremely Serious Wrestling Presents XSW Dy-no-mite: It’s A Wonderful Fight
Available on YouTube
Live from The PIT Striker, Manhattan NYC
December 18, 2019
by Tiffany Rose
Starting out this review by wishing the great people at Xtremely Serious Wrestling a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and happy holidays! I was unable to get back to NYC last week to see this show live (and at a new venue, too!) but thankfully XSW has gifted us with the whole show uploaded on their YouTube channel. Check it out if you’re a Die-Hard (get it?) fan like me or even if you’re new to the magic, it’s a damn fine presentation every time.
Our show starts out with the beloved XSW ring in its grand new setting at the PIT Striker, and we hear from Big Boss Lady who gloats corporately and lets us know we’ll have a contract signing between the Bad Habits and SataNick for next month’s show, Carnyvale III. The Sisters are more than willing to sign the contract, but they’re going to sign it in blood...the blood of SataNick’s beloved Lambchop, in fact. Nick’s not having this and goes on a rant against the Bad Habits, letting them know that not only does he plan to take them “to heck and back” next month, but he admitted he was the one - upon getting a title shot - who previously put them out of action with an injury. This pissed the Sisters enough to send SataNick crashing through the contract-signing table and Carnyvale III is officially going to get crazy, friends.
After the chaos of the contract signing, Q. Bickle is out to clean up the ring after being ordered to by the Big Boss Lady. She then berates him for losing $8,000 (damn, son) and demands that he return the missing funds by the end of the show (double damn, son). Bickle, understandably stressed, bemoans everything that’s happened to him recently in XSW - and it’s been some weird shit - and declares the promotion would be better off if he’d never worked there. Just as Bickle says this, his guardian angel appears and we’re into one of the most wholesome holiday tropes ever. Tonight through the magic of the season we’ll see what XSW would have been like without Quinn Bickle’s influence!
Tonight’s Commentary: Serious Justin Angermeyer and LA Styles
Keep in mind this is an Alternate Dimension Angermeyer and Styles, brilliantly altered from their usual personas. Angermeyer is the owner of XSW once again, for example; I *loved* this twist on the commentary team. :)
Alternate Dimension Match 1: Bryan Tryuth vs. Chilly McFreeze (for the “ICY” Championship)
Our announcer Jar Jar Banks introduces both opponents, and what is now known as the XSW Midcard Championship title is here known as the “ICY” title, held by McFreeze. Chilly is also a member of the Angermeyer Dynasty, so the commentary is slightly biased in his favor. Poor Bryan didn’t stand a chance here even with gloves on as cold-hearted Angermeyer had the fix set in - he’d signed the YETI (or rather the YET-AY) to interfere in this match, freeze the ref, and bury Tryuth under an avalanche of snow, causing McFreeze to get the win and retain the “ICY” title, which is still technically a midcard title.
We then meet the rest of the Angermeyer Dynasty - Dr. Felix Kompfnut and a mostly unstable Rod Diamondfire. Dr. K. is the reigning XSW champ in the Alternate Dimension. This Dynasty even has good ol’ referee Devin as a rogue ref and I just realized A.D. could stand for either Angermeyer Dynasty or Alternate Dimension or AEW Dynamite. This shit has levels, yo. Bickle’s guardian angel uses his angel-based powers to fast forward the Angermeyer Dynasty’s ridiculously long in-ring promos and we’re on to the next match. Jar Jar Banks is on OnlyFans, by the way, for anyone who has a little extra Christmas cash.
Alternate Dimension Match 2: Hey, Remember the 90s vs. Captain Romance & Carmen Kardyo (Alternate Dimension XSW Tag Team Championship)
This Alternate Dimension doesn’t have Retro Fitness...no! We have the Hey, Remember the 90s podcast instead. The Ultimate Father never had his daughter in this timeline, instead he’s teamed up with Nat Stalgia and Carmen Kardyo is hooked up passionately with Captain Romance. Yes, this is what it would have been like without Bickle around, gang, it’s a fever dream. Not only are they a couple, but they’re the tag champs and Angermeyer Dynasty affiliated too, and they get a dollar each time they kiss. Remember the 90s reviews most of their own match as it’s ongoing (LOL) and delivers plenty of snark and hot takes along with their offense. Captain and Carmen take the win and it's pretty clear that most of the roster will be dominated by the Dynasty in this timeline.
We're then introduced to XSW's newest acquisition in the Alternate Dimension, Adam Couleheel. Yep, this absolutely brand new talent that we've never seen before, thanks to Bickle having never worked for the promotion...and according to the guardian angel, he still sucks in this dimension.
Alternate Dimension Match 3: Bloody Mary vs. Dr. Felix Kompfnut (Alternate Dimension XSW World Championship)
Dr. K decided at the beginning of this match that he'd not need the support of the fairly overpopulated Angermeyer Dynasty at ringside for this Alternate Dimension main event, but we still have rogue referee Devin officiating the match. We can’t even have a proper running of the ropes without the Dynasty reappearing at ringside. Once they leave once more, Dr. K gets pummelled by Bloody Mary and ends up calling for their assistance. Dr. K uses the distraction to his advantage but ends up getting his foot lodged in Mary’s vagina after attempting a kick (she’s on her period, you see). Since Mary’s always menstrual it doesn’t even have an effect when Dr. K tries to crush her skull, because her hormone headaches are worse. She takes a moment to educate the good doctor on this as well but instead has a mood swing and attacks him. The Dynasty runs in and does their best to take Mary out one-by-one, but never underestimate the tenacity of a woman on the rag. Mary battles back and even shoves her bloody sanitary pad in ref Devin’s face. Just as it seems as if poor Mary is to fight all alone, ref Betsy Ross is in the ring once Devin’s out (knocked senseless by the bloody pad), but Betsy gets knocked out by Dr. K, leaving Mary once again to fight the Dynasty herself, even against Angermeyer himself. This all leads up to “new” talent Adam Couleheel entering the ring and superkicking Mary as well as everyone in the Dynasty, then fighting with Captain Romance in THIS timeline in addition to whichever one we’re living in now. Just as Dr. K and the YET-AY administer Toxic Shock therapy (which is just as gross as it sounds) to Bloody Mary, Bickle demands everything stop; he hates this timeline and demands to leave the alternate dimension.
The guardian angel is satisfied that Bickle’s learned how important he is and now we’re back to current reality, which is slightly less crazy than the previous timeline we’ve seen.
Next out is Mondo Pussi, who’s called out the Big Boss Lady, his ex-fiancee. He’s looking for a main event match at Carnyvale III and she lets him know that he’s only got the opportunity to main event; if he wins his match earlier in the evening then he’ll main event the show. Pussi agrees to this, but only if the Boss Lady herself is his opponent. Since it seems “good for ratings”, the Boss Lady accepts - only on the condition that if she wins, Mondo Pussi must leave XSW!
The deadline for Bickle has arrived and instead of delivering the lost $8,000, he instead delivers the message to the Boss Lady that he doesn’t have or need the money if he has the support of the XSW faithful. Just as Bickle is set to be fired, Shelly Shamblay arrives (and it’s damn great to see her back home in XSW!) and lets us know she’s just received a huge alimony check from her ex. She’s donating it to Bickle and we’ve got our touching and wholesome moment of the show! The entire XSW roster is out to give their love, support, and donations to Bickle, who now has the eight grand he needed. The Boss Lady reinstates Bickle’s job, and she then receives a package from the North Pole enclosed with one Christmas miracle that she’s allowed to grant. Bickle makes his request for the Christmas miracle but the Boss Lady’s not impressed because she doesn’t think he’s nice enough. However, when XSW Champ Johnny Pop arrives, he’s surely a better candidate for the nice list, right? Johnny pleads a convincing enough case but before the Boss Lady can make a decision, Senator Rich Gladhand and his bad shoulder are here to say why HE deserves the Christmas miracle. He’s willing to pay for it, and the Boss Lady is amenable. Gladhand wants a title shot against Johnny Pop, and he gets his miracle. Suddenly the shoulder is healed and this is the first time I’ve seen the Senator with 100% full motion of his limbs, it’s almost impressive. We are on to our real main event of the evening!
Main Event: Johnny Pop vs. Senator Rich Gladhand (XSW World Championship)
We start Johnny Pop’s 4th title defense out with a dirty handshake from the politician - could we expect anything different? Gladhand was quick to go foul in this impromptu title match, too, hitting Johnny in his fear spot with words like “communism” and “Red scare”...just not playing fair at all! Gladhand lulls Johnny into a false sense of security by demanding he trust the government, then sends him crashing into the mat. Johnny’s fooled into thinking an air raid siren is going off, leading him to duck and cover and get beat down by Gladhand. You can’t argue that this is such an accurate depiction of how the government treated American citizens during the 50s, though…
Senator Gladhand demands Johnny lie down for the pin, but Johnny refuses to after asking the crowd what they think. Gladhand refuses to listen to the people (shocker) and insists on Johnny taking the pin. Johnny Pop has his own tricks, though, and fools the Senator into thinking he’ll lie down just long enough to take the advantage in the match. Johnny bites his tongue mid-match and suddenly has a Jimmy Stewart-affected accent, declaring that the Senator needs to be taken to Washington. This is pretty great, now we have two Jimmy Stewart movies being referenced in one show! We then have a montage of (mostly) American images appearing as Johnny makes an impressively rousing speech, demanding that we need to impeach Senator Gladhand. The Senator then states that you can’t impeach an official without being an American citizen, and he claims Johnny Pop is an illegal immigrant. Wait, what? N.I.C.E is then in the ring attacking Johnny Pop and taking him into custody. Gladhand hits Johnny with a Kendo stick and goes for the pin, but Johnny Pop doesn’t get taken out that easily! He kicks out at two and as Gladhand (assisted by N.I.C.E.) goes for a second shot with the kendo stick, everything slows down and we hear a deep, disembodied voice that Johnny initially mistakes for his father. No, it’s Santa! Yes, St. Nick is also a Johnny Pop fan and says that he has to keep fighting by tapping into the “power of Christmas”. Hanukkah Harry is also on the call with Santa and sends his support, kind of sidetracking us there but then we get back to the match. Johnny fights back against Gladhand and the agents, so hard in fact he knocks everybody in the ring out once he delivers on his promise to give “the moon” to Gladhand. Johnny Pop and the Senator engage in a brutal chop battle and then Johnny makes Gladhand submit, but referee Devin is still knocked out from the whole “moon” spot. Uh oh…
Devin’s revived long enough to argue with Johnny Pop over the unseen submission, but then N.I.C.E. is also back up and runs one last interference, nailing the champ in the head with a gift box. Gladhand goes for the cover and gets the victory...NO!! We have a new XSW World Champion and have officially entered the darkest timeline, if that’s possible considering what we saw earlier in the show. THIS HAS RUINED CHRISTMAS!
Post-Show Thoughts
When I was a kid I used to love when sitcoms would use the whole “It’s A Wonderful Life” trope for a Christmas episode; I never got tired of however many reiterations I’ve seen of it. I’ve actually never seen it done in wrestling (or if I did, it sucked compared to this one) and it was fun to see this show play out the whole storyline using Bickle in the George Bailey role. This show is a great example of why I love the whole standup comedy and wrestling interplay; it gives you a lot of creative freedom to come up with craziness and storylines that you just won’t find at a regular indy event. Next month’s Carnyvale III is already shaping up to be what looks like a classic XSW show; be sure to catch it live on IWTV if you’re not there in NYC!