bWb Eats! Top 10 National Pizza ChainsBy Dennis DuBay
How rankings were decided: One, did the pizza tantalize my taste buds, creating endorphins lusting for more cheese topped deliciousness?
Was the pizza appealing to look at. What was the reheat-ability level? Would you buy this pizza to secure some sex from a lady? Does beer make the pizza better, or is it a perfect accompaniment to the Za itself.
What celebrities endorse said pizza?
And now, for the rankings. (Of course, I could only rank the national chain pizza's I've actually ate - If your national chain pizza isn't found here, well, then it's not national, asshole,).
1. Little Caesars
For the price, LC's is the big winner. At any time of the day you can drop in, drop a Lincoln, and roll out with a hot pizza pie. What the fuck more do you want from this world?
If you have the time though, the Bestest Most Biggest is your best bang for the buck. While I refuse to say the name out loud, the price is right.
2. Happy's Pizza
When walk into a Happy's Pizza, you're senses get a real good fucking. This is more than just a pizza place. You can ribs, chicken and seafood, too. Now I can see you sitting there on your hipster computer gaming chair with your camera waiting for you to launch onto Twitch for some IRL live stream, thinking "No good pizza comes froma menu like that."
Well fuck you, it's good pizza.
Sadly, Happy's closed here in town after it was found out that some employee's had turned it into a marijuana dispensary when utilizing a special menu item.
3. Round Table
Just a decent pizza at an affordable price. Nothing to fancy about it.
4. Godfathers
Godfather's would be ranked higher, maybe even at #1, had they not ruined a drunken night of mine so many years ago. I remember vividly the night. I had consumed about 33 Natty Ices' when my belly rumbled, letting me know that it was time for some pizza.
I dialed the number and a pleasant woman by the name of Heather answered. "Godfathers, please hold,".
Pretty standard opening scenario, when ordering a pizza on the phone. Oh, this was before online ordering was invented, for those of you who are sitting in your hipster computer gaming chairs wondering what the fuck i'm talking about.
"Thanks for holding, how can i help you today," Heather said. Now picture me. I'm currently intoxicated, but demonstrating the machoness and bravo of Nic Cage playing Ben Sanderson in Leaving Las Vegas, where he's trying to get his check cashed, but can't because he's going through alcohol withdrawal. So he goes home, downs two pints of vodka and fucks Sera, with an E, before returning to the bank.
Wait.
Anways, i tell her my order: "Double Pepperoni, extra cheese."
"I'm sorry sir, we're out of pepperoni."
The Fuck?
5. Casey's General Store
While totally overpriced, CGS don't play when making their pizza. For a gas station pie, it's a taste bud epiphany.
And get this: The Nacho pizza comes with actual nachos on it.
Blew.
My.
Mind.
6. Hungry Howie's
The flavored crusts are the draw, but they have a pretty decent menu outside of the za, too.
7. Cottage Inn
Hit & miss pizza. Sometimes AMAZING (See: pulled pork pizza), sometimes down right dreadful. Customer service has always been the big neggy for me: Late pizzas, subs that don't show up, just to name a few gaffs.
8. Hunt Bro's
Another gas station pizza, the thick square slice you find in some gas stations is pretty damn good.
9. Papa Johns
When I was younger, we'd get Papa Johns weekly. I would eat the pepperoncini they included in every box. I blame them for my flaming fucking ulcer, the cock suckers.
10. Domino's, Pizza Hut
Imagine if you will, the Devil at home watching Keeping Up With The Kardashian's and one day, when no one was home, The Devil pulled his dick out and started jerking off.
I can only imagine the Devil's semen tastes like Domino and Pizza Hut's sauce.