Frozen Pizza Chronicles #1: One Bite


Before we get into our first frozen pizza review, we must go through the grading scale process.

First and foremost will be overall taste, obviously. And that's where everything becomes subjective out of the gate. I mean, some people put fucking pineapple on their pizza - so their taste scale is fucking invalid.

So how do we decide the over all score? We deconstruct the pizza: 

- Pepperoni stand alone score

- Cheese/sauce stand alone score

- Crust stand alone score.

Each score is based on a 5 point system, 5 being amazing, 0 being Pizza Hut level bad. We then take the three scores, tabulate and avg them out until we have our overall score.

Every pizza we grade will be a cheese/pepperoni pizza; and will be cooked exactly as the box directs us. 

With that, enjoy the review.

Todays' Review: One Bite Pepperoni Pizza

Unless you're living under a rock, Dave Portnoy of Barstool Sports, has been doing pizza reviews for a few years now. While he's not the first person to do a food review, he has the most clout. It's not a surprise that his business conglomerate would jump into the frozen pizza world.

Before I go on - I'm not going to debate with anyone in regards to if Barstool/Portnoy are bad people. I'm a fan of Barstool and understand that some may find it to be in bad form, maybe not socially correct at times, whatever. This isn't the column for that discussion. This is just a fucking frozen pizza review.

I was actually surprised at how much I enjoyed this pizza. Opening it, i was very skeptical. It looked like a regular frozen pizza, but the crust seemed ... different to me. Oh, the crust - it clams to be a stone baked crust.

With a hint of pepper in the crust itself, I was surprised at how crunchy yet dense the crust was after baking it at 450 degrees (yes, 450 fucking degrees) for 13 minutes. I thought it would be rock hard.

That's what she said.

But It wasn't. (Also, sadly, what she said). It may be my favorite frozen pizza crust to this date. 

The sauce is very herby. Very. Herby. With not a trace of sweetness. Which in my book is a terrific. The cheese got golden and fully melty.

The only weak spot for me was the pepperoni. It was very blah. It didn't crisp up much, even at 450 degrees, and there's no real spicy. It's just there.

The Scores:

Crust: 4.6

Cheese/Sauce: 4.2

Pepperoni: 2.9

Total Points: 11.7

Official Score: 3.9 out of 5

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2 Comments

  1. You gotta give Screamin Sicilian a shot on here!

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    1. You're wish is our command ... we will do the Screamin' Sicilian soon!

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