Before we get into our first frozen pizza review, we must go through the grading scale process.
First and foremost will be overall taste, obviously. And that's where everything becomes subjective out of the gate. I mean, some people put fucking pineapple on their pizza - so their taste scale is fucking invalid.
So how do we decide the over all score? We deconstruct the pizza:
- Pepperoni stand alone score
- Cheese/sauce stand alone score
- Crust stand alone score.
Each score is based on a 5 point system, 5 being amazing, 0 being Pizza Hut level bad. We then take the three scores, tabulate and avg them out until we have our overall score.
Every pizza we grade will be a cheese/pepperoni pizza; and will be cooked exactly as the box directs us.
With that, enjoy the review.
Today's Review: Screamin' Sicilian 'Za Brewski Pepperoni Pizza
Now there's just a few things in this world that I love more than a good frozen pizza: Pussy, ,making beef jerky, and beer top the list. Imagine a summer evening. The sun is out, the beer is flowing like wine and the women are flocking like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm standing there, wearing nothing but one of those shirts cut off at the top of the belly. My luscious mane of hair can be seen leading down to my ... wait.
Sorry, this is a family rag ...
Have you ever had a Leinenkugel beer before? I used to pound the ol' Summer Shandy's back in the day before all the hipsters started drinking it - now I just toss back stale cans of Hamm's. Because I'm a fucking man.
Anyways - here's the fucking deal, for transparency. I couldn't find this pizza anywhere near me so I drove to Screamin' Sicilian's HQ's and seduced a woman named Brenda. We found a hotel, a place she knew well. Oh ... we made magic that night. She brought the women in me out so many times.
Afterword, I guilted her for sleeping with a man she'd never met. Finally, after hours of bargaining, she sent a care package to my home.
LEGAL NOTE FROM BUM WINE BOB: None of this happened. Well, the care package was sent, but Dennis isn't legally allowed to leave the state of Michigan. There is no Brenda. At least not that we know of.
- Bob
The Pizza was so fucking good. Like ... I've ate probably 20,000 frozen pizza's in my time, (Take that Mr. I Eat 3 Big Macs A Day Guy) and this was easily the best frozen pizza I have ever
EVER
EVER
Consumed.
The beer cheese will get you hard or wet, dependent on your sexu.. wait, I don't think I can legally say that anymore. Let's just say it's a panty dropper?
The rest of the pizza is a typical Screamin' ... damn good. But that cheese. Oh lord that fucking cheese.
On to the grade!
Crust: 3.9
Pepperoni: 4.2
Cheese/Sauce: 5.2
Total Points: 13.3
Official Score: 4.43