I'm not sure the age demographic of the BumWineBob.com readers, but I'm guessing it skews towards 40+ year old men and 19 year old women with daddy issues.
So this #FrozenPizzaChronicles is for the 40+ year old men. We remember a time when frozen pizza was a novelty, not a way of life. When there was Totino's and nothing else. When Pizza Hut enacted a war of the taste beds with their "Book It" scam grooming shitty pizza eaters nationwide.
I'm old enough to remember when Totino's were round and I'd drink all night long and throw one in a microwave and eat it like a fucking taco.
Totino's pizza is seminal - It was everything great about growing up in a time when ignorance was bliss and football cards were the reward for eating. They existed before faux chefs danced upon YouTube creating garbage entrees to make the pain go away.
Wait. Hold on. I think I need to make an appointment with my head doc.
Anyways ... Totino's are actually better than you remember. Seriously. They have the best pepperoni on a frozen pizza. Tiny, cubed bites of goddamn decadence. The cheese, while seemingly minimal out of the box, somehow finds itself in the flaming hell of a 450-degree oven - and the sauce, while not choke that bitch while you bang her after a night at the bar and you don't know where you are, who she is or where the car is parked, cleanses the palette of shitty whiskey and stale pretzels.
I've probably said to much.
Onto The Score!
Crust: 3.5
Pepperoni: 6
Cheese/Sauce: 4.5
Total Points: 14
Official Score: 4.6