Halloween Movies Review or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Butcher Knife

Halloween Movies Review or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Butcher Knife

Well, it is the spooky season, so here’s some bullshit about the most important horror franchise EVER. 


Let’s start off with one of the GOAT slashers. You’ll need an abacus, a compass, and a fucking Flux Capacitor to figure out the timelines in this shit. In what is essentially the perfect horror film, Halloween tells the story of Laurie Strode, a simple babysitter living in the quiet town of Haddonfield until psycho mad man Michael Myers escapes the asylum (cause he had killed his sister & her boyfriend 20 years earlier) and stalks her. She was just a stranger caught in the crosshairs of a maniac…until she then became his sister in Halloween II

If Michael & Laurie were siblings today, this would be premiering on Brazzers, not HBO 

Then, they both disappear for Halloween III: Season of the Witch. This one involves masks filled with spiders & worms, killer android people and a 3-thousand-year-old witch man…it’s best left unseen. 

Mikey’s back in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, but Laurie’s dead in this one, so Michael’s chasing his niece for the next 3 movies, where it’s discovered that Michael’s part of some ancient druid cult that causes WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY.  

So skip ahead, we’re at Halloween H20 now, and Laurie’s back! Wait…H20??!? That’s really what they went with?!?! 

I mean…I’d watch this.

Ok, so Halloween Liquid is a sequel to Halloween II, ignoring the absolute SHIT storm of 3-6 and adding its own shitty legacy. Laurie kills Michael in this one, but not really, as our crafty Mikey switched places with an innocent man and Laurie beheads that poor son of a bitch, ending up in an asylum herself! Oh, sweet irony! Laurie tries to get some rest but no, Michael comes to get her and throws her off the roof of the madhouse in the truly abysmal Halloween: Resurrection. There’s nothing good about this movie, but it does give us Busta Rhymes karate kicking Michael right in his stupid pale face. 

I’d watch this, too.

We then get to Rob Zombie’s Halloween movies, which you can promptly throw in a dumpster. If you want to see badly written horror movie tripe with possibly the worst mainstream actress EVER (seriously, Sherri Moon Zombie is really fucking bad, and I’ve watched a ton of porn), then this is the movie for you!  

The franchise then laid dormant, like a serial killer in an asylum for 40 years, which is now where Michael has been since the 70s. Halloween 2018 ignores ALL the movies except Halloween 1978. Which means that Michael only went on a murder spree ONCE, he’s been locked up ever since, and Michael & Laurie are no longer related. 

This one’s actually quite good, with Laurie having some PTSD after being almost murdered by a man in a Shatner man decades earlier. She’s thusly made her house into the killing compound one would need to deter such lunatics from ever attempting it again. It’s filled with guns, ammo, fire, cannons, bayonets and just about every other possible murder implement needed. Booby traps Data would be jealous of. A real funhouse. 

These all look like amazing films, if I’m being honest. 

Halloween 2018 finished off this saga perfectly, with Laurie finally dispatching this psycho, trapping him in her basement and burning the whole joint down. Just a happy ending for us all…except it was followed by the somewhat acceptable Halloween Kills and the immensely terrible Halloween Ends. They really screwed the pooch with that one, with Michael’s evil aura seemingly possessing some…guy we barely know nor care about. Myers is in this movie for, what, 3 minutes? It’s a real downer of a franchise sendoff…until the inevitable next one. 

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