Halloween Movies Review or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Butcher Knife
Well, it is the spooky
season, so here’s some bullshit about the most important horror franchise
EVER.
HALLOWEEN
Let’s start off with one
of the GOAT slashers. You’ll need an abacus, a compass, and a fucking Flux
Capacitor to figure out the timelines in this shit. In what is essentially the
perfect horror film, Halloween tells the story of Laurie Strode,
a simple babysitter living in the quiet town of Haddonfield until psycho mad
man Michael Myers escapes the asylum (cause he had killed his sister & her
boyfriend 20 years earlier) and stalks her. She was just a stranger caught in
the crosshairs of a maniac…until she then became his sister in Halloween
II.
If Michael & Laurie were siblings today, this would be premiering on Brazzers,
not HBO
Then, they both disappear
for Halloween III: Season of the Witch. This one involves
masks filled with spiders & worms, killer android people and a 3-thousand-year-old
witch man…it’s best left unseen.
Mikey’s back in Halloween
4: The Return of Michael Myers, but Laurie’s dead in this one, so
Michael’s chasing his niece for the next 3 movies, where it’s discovered that
Michael’s part of some ancient druid cult that causes WHAT THE FUCK
SERIOUSLY.
So skip ahead, we’re at Halloween
H20 now, and Laurie’s back! Wait…H20??!? That’s really what they went
with?!?!
I mean…I’d watch this.
Ok, so Halloween
Liquid is a sequel to Halloween II, ignoring the absolute
SHIT storm of 3-6 and adding its own shitty legacy. Laurie kills Michael in
this one, but not really, as our crafty Mikey switched places with an innocent
man and Laurie beheads that poor son of a bitch, ending up in an asylum herself!
Oh, sweet irony! Laurie tries to get some rest but no, Michael comes to get her
and throws her off the roof of the madhouse in the truly abysmal Halloween:
Resurrection. There’s nothing good about this movie, but it does give
us Busta Rhymes karate kicking Michael right in his stupid pale face.
I’d watch this, too.
We then get to Rob
Zombie’s Halloween movies, which you can promptly throw in a
dumpster. If you want to see badly written horror movie tripe with possibly the
worst mainstream actress EVER (seriously, Sherri Moon Zombie is really fucking
bad, and I’ve watched a ton of porn), then this is the movie for
you!
The franchise then laid
dormant, like a serial killer in an asylum for 40 years, which is now where
Michael has been since the 70s. Halloween 2018 ignores ALL the
movies except Halloween 1978. Which means that Michael only went
on a murder spree ONCE, he’s been locked up ever since, and Michael &
Laurie are no longer related.
This one’s actually quite
good, with Laurie having some PTSD after being almost murdered by a man in a
Shatner man decades earlier. She’s thusly made her house into the killing
compound one would need to deter such lunatics from ever attempting it again.
It’s filled with guns, ammo, fire, cannons, bayonets and just about every other
possible murder implement needed. Booby traps Data would be jealous of. A real
funhouse.
These all look like amazing films, if I’m being
honest.
Halloween 2018 finished off this saga perfectly, with Laurie finally dispatching this psycho, trapping him in her basement and burning the whole joint down. Just a happy ending for us all…except it was followed by the somewhat acceptable Halloween Kills and the immensely terrible Halloween Ends. They really screwed the pooch with that one, with Michael’s evil aura seemingly possessing some…guy we barely know nor care about. Myers is in this movie for, what, 3 minutes? It’s a real downer of a franchise sendoff…until the inevitable next one.
