Frozen Pizza Chronicles #3: Sonoma Flatbreads Pepperoni Pizza

 

(Note: This is how the box looked like when I began cooking because of drugs and booze)

Before we get into our first frozen pizza review, we must go through the grading scale process.

First and foremost will be overall taste, obviously. And that's where everything becomes subjective out of the gate. I mean, some people put fucking pineapple on their pizza - so their taste scale is fucking invalid.

So how do we decide the over all score? We deconstruct the pizza: 

- Pepperoni stand alone score

- Cheese/sauce stand alone score

- Crust stand alone score.

Each score is based on a 5 point system, 5 being amazing, 0 being Pizza Hut level bad. We then take the three scores, tabulate and avg them out until we have our overall score.

Every pizza we grade will be a cheese/pepperoni pizza; and will be cooked exactly as the box directs us. 

With that, enjoy the review.

Today's Review: Sonoma Flatbreads Pepperoni Pizza

Long time no review - I have started a new big boy job that has prevented me from doing anything fun except playing with my dick till it limps out from the whiskey. That was probably too much information, but I feel like I should be honest with you all. So I hadn't heard of this pizza before. I love flatbread pizza - while not "traditional" in pizza theory, it's a lot more traditional than tossing wet fucking fruit on bread and cheese, so fuck you.

When I pulled it out, slowly, from the box .... i was alarmed at what I saw. The amount of cheese was not appealing. We've gotten off to a bad start. I want a lot of cheese on a frozen pizza. For the most part, it helps soften the more than typical rock hard frozen pizza crust. I started to fear for my mouth.

Good amount of pepperoni - did I mention these pep's were uncured? So ... there's that. A good amount of pepperoni makes up a tad for the lack of fucking cheese. The sauce was fine in its distribution ... I would say typical of any frozen pizza.

I plopped the fucker in the oven for 10 minutes at 4 20 5, not sure why I wrote it like that, but eh. This is what it looked, when the doves cry:

See the cheese coverage on the south western quadrant of the pizza? Horrible. I sliced that part away and threw it at a man walking past my kitchen window. He threw it back, and yelled "What's wrong with this quadrant of the pizza?"

Toxic fuck.

On to the grade!

Crust: 3.5

Pepperoni: 4.1

Cheese/Sauce: 2.9

Total Points: 10.5

Official Score: 3.5

CURRENT FROZEN PIZZA STANDINGS

Screamin Sicilian Holy Pepperoni - 4.0

One Bite Pepperoni - 3.9

Sonoma Flatbread Pepperoni Pizza - 3.5