Bumming with Bobcat: Bringing you the best of the worst in cheap booze since 2014

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Shitty Homebrew: Part 2, The Sequel

Shitty Homebrew: Part 2, The Sequel

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Last week I wrote about my first homebrew experience. Spoiler: It didn’t end very well. My beer tasted like flat beer. Flat root beer. I am unsure how the medicinal taste of root beer apparated into my beer but it was there, I tasted it. As I write this second blog post, I am drinking some homebrew beer than one of my coworkers gave me. I take a sip. It is rather pleasant actually, it’s much better than the beers I’ve made. I know that my coworker is reading this right now, I know that he is judging my skills. He knows that my beer is much worst than his and he gave me a bottle of his out of pity. I will drink his pity, it tastes like a dark porter and hubris.

My first homebrew experimentation was in college but it doesn’t count because I was drunk and all the guys were cheering me on. Sorry, freudian slip, ignore that. My first homebrew experience was a horrible experience and it was disgusting. I was so sad that I decided to quit homebrew for a while, to let the scars of my shame heal. Then it came to me in a vision, the reason I failed at homebrew was because I was not cool enough. Who homebrews? Cool hipsters. I am not cool or a hipster (I have a desk job with a fortune 500 company) therefore I was unable to homebrew; no logical fallacy there. I needed to be cooler and then my homebrew would be amazing, it was finally obvious to me.

The queen of amazing hipster homebrew.

I was at Whole Foods, where all the cool hipsters shop. I usually shop there because putting fifteen hens in a cage the size of a tissue box is fucked, but I decided to do something important and bought one of their homebrew kits.

Doing my part for the environment and nature and the hens

This kit was the mountain bike to the Mr. Beer’s tricycle. It came with all kinds of professional equipment. Hard plastic tubing, soft plastic tubing, a big ass jug, plus I got my dignity back. I was in hipster mode, I was ready. I mean, I wasn’t ready. I was apathetic to everything and just hung around drinking PBR. Just kidding, that stuff is disgusting, I had it once and I’m never going to drink any again. I even purchased ~12 dozen empty glass beer bottles with caps AND a capper so that I didn’t have to put my beer into a plastic tupperware container again.

I sterilized everything, I followed the somewhat confusing instructions, I totally didn’t measure the quantity of sugar to put into the beer because I still didn’t have measuring equipment but that didn’t matter, hipsters suck at math. This time things would be different baby, I don't beat you anymore, I love you. I brewed and bottled my beer. A few weeks later I opened it and drank something which was somehow almost as bad as the first batch I made. When I looked into my glass there was small particulate floating around in the beer. I really hope that It was backwash from the sandwich I would like to think I was eating at the time. This beer also had another very interesting property. After opening, the water level would rise. Not uncommon in itself, given the carbonated nature of the beverage, but what I found bizarre was the speed. The water level increased at a near indistinguishable rate. I would open my beer, put it down and take a sip every once it a while, and after ~15 minutes, it would just start to overflow over my couch.

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Jordan Rejaud is a mediocre homebrewer and slightly less mediocre Robotics Engineer.
You can read about his projects and rants at jordanrejaud.com


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